"I am probably unlike many Christians you have met... "
That was how I described myself once to a co-worker who began to become suspicious that I was a Christian, one of THOSE Christians. It happened to be that this co-worker was very openly unabashedly gay. He seemed to be looking for some kind of response from me that would incriminate me as the sort of Christian who would judge him for being that way.
I had his attention. "What do you mean?"
"Well, yes, I am a Christian but I am also one who has similar battles as you."
"What do you mean... ?" And then it suddenly dawned on him. "Wait! Are you gay?!!!"
Welp. The cat was out of the closet though in reality I generally have been an open book to those who want to know. As the conversation continued however I began to prove my point. I really was unlike any Christian (or gay, for that matter) that he had ever met. I explained to him that I very much believed in Jesus but also very much was attracted to certain men. I continued to explain that I believed God had designed us to live differently but that brokenness from living in a sinful world and being broken by sin itself plays out in our sexuality in all kinds of ways. Perhaps at some point I will revisit the incredible discussion that ensued as he invited me to continue to discuss these things more deeply for many hours after we got off work.
I bring this real-life encounter up because it was this moment that I was brought back to as I have continue to wrestle very deeply with the conundrum of where I find myself in my life.
I believe God has called me to be a representative of His, sharing love and the wonderful news of redemption that Jesus came to bring. Not only this, I want to! I want people to know some of the amazing things I shared with this young man and to experience the amazing tangible presence of our awesome and loving God just as I have. Lately, I have realized afresh that I am probably gifted to write and to inspire others through various forms of communication. I have even taken some giant leaps of faith toward that end.
At the same time.
I struggle in the broken areas of my life.
In the effort to follow God's path for my life but mainly because I just really fell in love, I married a wonderful woman. I really believed that God led us together. Yet the unresolved broken places of my life tore us apart. I hurt her deeply despite my desire to do the opposite. Over the course of four years I could not find the strength I needed to change to save our marriage even after seeking radical help. This is the greatest failure of my life, and I live with the shoulda-coulda-wouldas that at times plague me.
My brokenness serves, at least in my mind, as a hateful banner in opposition to the message I wanted to proclaim concerning the loving redemptive power of God. The shaming messages that I am a fraud, hypocrite, failure, not good enough, weak, and irreparable often echo in the darkened and despondent places of my heart. It is absolutely certain that the continual cycle of shame only serves to keep me in continued cycles of defeat as well.
Over the last few days I have been more transparent about this dilemma I've been facing. Dear friends from my church have encouraged me to push through the lack of inspiration and motivation saying I should write anyway and if I don't know what to write about, then write about that! As touching as their vote of confidence has been, something in me was still holding back. It finally hit me today as I continued to wrestle and pray through the tension I felt with God.
I realized, the only reason I did not want to do that is because I do not want my unresolved brokenness and failure to be included in that redemptive message I wanted to share. Truthfully, I had a particular picture that God's redemption should bring about a very particular outcome to my story before I could share it!
God challenged me on this.
Isn't it time you let of go of the ego-centered fairy-tale you think my grace to be and accept my grace for what it is?! Are you going to withhold the life-changing message of my love from people just because of your own shame and failure? You can be a message of hope in this dark world not only in spite of your brokenness but even through it. My strength is perfected in your weaknesses and failures, both past, continual and future.
What comes to mind is the iconic scene of that of many-a-soldier who writes home to their dearest in the midst of battle. The letters being sent are often written from within the trenches sometimes in the face of impending death. In these letters are the soldier's most heartfelt emotions raw and unedited. The effect of such accounts make indelible marks in the hearts of those who are privileged to read them. That is what I believe God is calling us to. We are to be unedited testaments of His love in our lives--the triumphs, the defeats, but most of all--the love--His love.
So stay tuned, my friends for more. For His sake may we live our lives as war-torn testaments of His redeeming love. And along the way we are blessed by those in the trenches with us who inspire us to carry on!
May God help me be that for you as well.
