Remember Me

God would often have his people set up a pile of stones which represented some way in which He came through for them after an event. To come across and see those stones again would perhaps elicit the same emotions we might feel during the holidays when we see the decorations. It reminds us of those times in the past and gives us a nostalgic feeling.

God was helping His people connect with Him from their hearts by causing them to remember why they could trust Him. We can see repeated examples in the Psalms of how David remembered the good things God had done which helped Him to overcome overwhelm and know God would be with him moving forward.

Paul says in Philippians 4:6-7, "Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

Did you catch it? Thank him for all He has done. The remembering is implicit in the thanking. The promise is that by doing so you will experience God's peace and that peace will actually guard your heart and mind - keep you sane, in other words.

When we make a practice to take time to really feel the goodness of the memory and our appreciation for God He brings us to a place of peace which in turn helps us be more aware of His loving presence.

I've also discovered something beautifully unexpected. God also chooses to remember us and loves us deeply with kindness and affection.

I'm encouraged and feel more love and appreciation toward Him remembering the ways He continually remembers me.

_________________________

Scripture to Pray About

He remembered us in our weaknesses. His faithful love endures forever.

Psalm 136:23

3 

Material Evidence

If an immaterial, invisible Creator were to desire to make contact with you, how would that occur?

For those of us who demand hard evidence of our Creator's existence it becomes rather challenging for God to reach us because there would be no hard evidence that would be enough to point to the existence of an immaterial God since all evidence would be screened through the material and would either seem natural or in cases where natural law are at times suspended unbelievable. 

I have come to see that there really is hard evidence but accepting it does require at least an open mind that if such a God existed the evidence could only be presented to me through the material. Once that door is opened the possibilities are endless in the ways our Creator is able to communicate with me and you.

Faith in Difficulty

I believe in the healing power of God. I also believe in the truth that for those who believe in Jesus' name, we have what we have asked for. I also believe that a prayer of faith will raise up anyone who is sick. I also believe that at any point an intervention of Jesus in a person's life can bring about instantaneous healing. I believe in the compassion of Jesus and that God the Father feels exactly the same way about suffering that Jesus does because Jesus said He and the Father are one and that Jesus only did what He saw the Father doing.

We should always be challenged with the promises Jesus made and never give in to anything else but the fulfillment of His promises AND at the same time we must maintain trust and patient endurance until that moment of fulfillment comes!

It is my belief that the Bible teaches that the fulfillment of God's promises is not a question of IF but rather WHEN and HOW God delivers on His promises. Incidentally, Biblically speaking all of God's promises are already YES and AMEN for those who believe Him. We should always believe THIS is God's heart for us, and yet the head-scratcher is that even his faith-filled children often do suffer--many times the most!

For those who find themselves in the midst of suffering if you’re like me it can lead to doubting the goodness, the promises, and the power of God. Especially when what you have believed for has not yet materialized. Even more soberly there is the reality that some will not receive the fulfillment of God's promises until the resurrection at the end of the Church Age.

NO ONE receives the entire fulfillment of His promises until that day.

Gratefully there is is a promise that is 100% redeemable right here and now. Jesus said He will always be with us until the end of the age [Matthew 28:20], and that in this world we will experience trouble but that we can take heart because He's overcome the world. [John 16:33]

Please consider the following passage which does not devalue the power of faith in God's promises yet also affirms those who believe who have not yet received the fulfillment of the promise. If you like, read all of Hebrews 11. It's incredibly faith-building. Especially consider Hebrews 11:35-40 which is encouraging for those in the midst of suffering. 

By the way, Hebrews 11 is in fact one of my mother's most favorite passages in the Bible and it is also becoming one of mine. She believes for her healing every day, and I believe with her. It is imminently around the corner, but I don't know whether this will occur in this life or upon her resurrection.

___________________

Scripture to Pray About

Hebrews 11:32-40

32 And what more shall I say? I do not have time to tell about Gideon, Barak, Samson and Jephthah, about David and Samuel and the prophets, 33 who through faith conquered kingdoms, administered justice, and gained what was promised; who shut the mouths of lions, 34 quenched the fury of the flames, and escaped the edge of the sword; whose weakness was turned to strength; and who became powerful in battle and routed foreign armies. 35 Women received back their dead, raised to life again. There were others who were tortured, refusing to be released so that they might gain an even better resurrection. 36 Some faced jeers and flogging, and even chains and imprisonment. 37 They were put to death by stoning;[e] they were sawed in two; they were killed by the sword. They went about in sheepskins and goatskins, destitute, persecuted and mistreated— 38 the world was not worthy of them. They wandered in deserts and mountains, living in caves and in holes in the ground.

39 These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised, 40 since God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect.

The Currency of Heaven

The religious leaders were continually trying to outwit and entrap Jesus.

One day they approached Jesus asking whether they should pay taxes to the Caesar.  

They were hoping to entrap him by admitting duplicitous allegiances where He would either get in trouble with the Romans for espousing anti-Roman sentiments, or get in trouble with the religious zealots who hated Rome.

Did you know Jesus was the king of gotchas? This time Jesus told a riddle.

"Why are you trying to trap me? Show me a roman coin...  Who's image is on the coin?"

Caesar

"Give to Caesar what belongs to Caesar and give to God what belong's to God."

It was probably a head-scratcher at first. How does the image on the coin relate to God?  What may not be apparent is the fact that Jesus was covertly telling a riddle! So clever, so God!

The answer to the riddle is found in the unasked question that Jesus left for the honest seekers of truth to discover themselves.

If Caesar's image is engraved on a Roman coin, what is God's image engraved upon?

It's you and me! We are God's image bearers. We are His currency.

So the application of Jesus' message was, "Give to Caesar your money when required, but give yourselves to God."

____________________

Scripture to Pray About

Later they sent some of the Pharisees and Herodians to Jesus to catch him in his words. They came to him and said, “Teacher, we know that you are a man of integrity. You aren’t swayed by others, because you pay no attention to who they are; but you teach the way of God in accordance with the truth. Is it right to pay the imperial tax to Caesar or not? Should we pay or shouldn’t we?”

But Jesus knew their hypocrisy. “Why are you trying to trap me?” he asked. “Bring me a denarius and let me look at it.” 

They brought the coin, and he asked them, “Whose image is this? And whose inscription?”

“Caesar’s,” they replied.

Then Jesus said to them, “Give back to Caesar what is Caesar’s and to God what is God’s.” And they were amazed at him.

Mark 12:13-17 (New International Version)

The Greatest Flex of All

In a world where we are inundated by flexes of various sorts I have struggled with being overly enamored by the accomplishments and power of people. It has been a continual fight for me to maintain a sober mindset and to remember to never sink to the level of worshiping the created rather than my creator! For my part I have often succumbed to envy and idolatry born out of insecure comparison forgetting that in the light of the power and glory of the Almighty the power of the created is inconsequential and not worth comparing!

Here is what I'm meditating on today:

Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God. [Those who trust in themselves] are brought to their knees and fall, but we [who trust God] rise up and stand firm.

"Let not the wise boast of their wisdom or the strong boast of their strength or the rich boast of their riches, but let the one who boasts boast about this: that they... know me, that I am the LORD, who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on earth, for in these I delight,” declares the LORD.

[taken from Psalm 20:6-7 and Jeremiah 9:23-24]

Supernatural Change in the Ordinary

Because I believe in the supernatural it was my impression that change in my life would occur in similar fashion.

More recently, through a lifetime of frustration, repeated attempts and pursuits in various ministry methodologies, and failure, my thinking has changed.

Don't get me wrong. 

I still believe in miracles and in fact I still believe change in our lives actually only occurs supernaturally. The way the supernatural manifests in our lives however in most cases may appear more natural than supernatural. I had hoped for more life-altering encounters where wrong desires and addictions would suddenly alter or go away entirely. I don't know many rock-bottom addicts who wouldn't long for the same thing.

What I have come to find is that God does in fact intervene supernaturally but it looks like falling on my face a thousand times and somehow having the willingness to get back up and try again. The scripture says, "A righteous person will fall seven times yet get back up again."

So what in fact is happening when God supernaturally intervenes in our life to bring about transformation which on our own is impossible? What is it that makes it supernatural? Because God is supernatural. If He is speaking and acting in our lives then it is by definition a supernatural act. Anyone from the outside may only see the natural outcome of life but for those who are truly touched by God then every circumstance in life is in fact a supernatural occurrence!

First let me reiterate once more that change is irrelevant if it is not accompanied by the life giving power which comes from being saved and being given access to God. We must receive salvation for any change to have significant meaning in our lives. Otherwise any change that occurs is simply another layer of our brokenness manifesting in self deception that we are in fact progressing as spiritual beings when we may in fact still be hard against God participating in our lives.

Once that saving transaction occurs is when God begins a transforming work.

Change occurs gradually as we hear, believe and obey truth.

Change occurs progressively from grace to grace. As we respond to grace, more grace for transformation is given.

Change occurs relationally. We cannot seek to change if we do not allow ourselves to be touched by the one who changes us.

The process of change hurts. The primary method God changes us is by allowing life to happen to us and then communicating to us the truth about what we're enduring. It's called discipline. However, discipline is primarily based not in God hurting us but rather God touching our hearts in the midst of life which causes us pain and a desire to be transformed.  Only those who are His children are touched by Him in this way. [see Hebrews Chapter 12]

Lasting change occurs when we are exposed to a revelation of the truth and allow our minds to be conformed to it. We apprehend the truth about who God is, who we are and we change our minds about what it means for us in our lives. [see Romans Chapter 12:1-2 and following]

The outcome of change is new-found motivation to love God and others. We do not change by focusing on right and wrong but rather allowing God to change our motivations from unloving to loving. As Jesus said, "The whole law can be summed up in this way: Love God and love your neighbor."

Change occurs by God's Spirit. Every point above occurs as God's Spirit is interacting with ours in a life-giving way. 

My Story

What does surrender to the saving work of Jesus look like in my life?

Well, it's been a b-rated show to put it mildly, in the sense that my performance has not been the most reflective (in my opinion) of that of the typical follower of Christ. There's a title of a great classic spiritual book called "The Normal Christian Life" by a Chinese author named Watchman Nee? I am not the poster-child for that book!

Gratefully God's grace is NOT measured out according to performance but by grace and the faith we place in His ability to meet us where we lack the most!

As mentioned before, I grew up in a Christ-following household. At an early age I believe I came to an authentic recognition of my need for Christ during Sunday school. I remember hearing the story of Zaccheus who was called down from the sycamore tree he was using so he could see Jesus better because of his short stature.

I was moved by the fact that Jesus saw Zaccheus and cared for him and ultimately died to save him from his sins--and also yours and mine. That night I asked Jesus to be my savior as led by my dad before bedtime. 

That was the beginning.

Since that time I wrestled mostly in complacent fashion with my manipulative and deceitful disposition. I was very good at performing and for a while had become an almost compulsive liar at that young age. I was far more concerned with how to avoid getting in trouble rather than how to find ways to more effectively obey my parents.

Later when I was about 10 years old, I began to be concerned that I might not really be saved. It took a while for my parents to convince me that Jesus died for me and if I had sincerely desired and requested of him to be my Savior then I could know that my salvation was secure. I prayed many times after that asking him to be my Savior. Honestly, somewhere there must have been some disconnect in my understanding of God and where I found myself. 

I would say at that time in my life I primarily feared God and had somehow missed the memo of how much He loved me right where I was at. In fact that would not begin to sink in until I was in college. In the meantime I began to struggle with same-sex attraction and lust in my teen years. This definitely rocked my world and caused me to be quite fearful and shameful about where I was really at with God.

Again, I continued to pray many times for salvation and deliverance. My focus was still very much on outward performance.  Along the way I would rededicate myself to Christ but continued to wrestle with shame and fear over my failures to fulfill my commitments.

It wasn't until college that my thinking about God and how He related to me really began to change.

It was in college that I read a transformational book called "Embracing the Love of God" by James Bryan Smith. It was required reading for my Spiritual Development course I was taking. Initially, I hated the book and thought it to be heretical. 

What was the author's premise?

God not only loves us, but likes us just the way we are. All that Jesus did on the cross was to reiterate God's love and make it possible for us to be in relationship with God because it is relationship that He wants to have with us.

I finally realize I needed some major corrections in my beliefs about God and reading this book was hugely transformational in my relationship with God.

Something else that occurred that rocked my world is when I was being led through some inner healing prayer ministry and discovered that Jesus had always been compassionately present in my life, and especially during the most traumatic times where I felt abandoned and alone.

The biggest change, however, did not begin to occur until after I had married and then subsequently was divorced that I began to realize something. My issues were not an issue of performance but rather inward brokenness of heart.

It's been a major and recent step when I came to realize there is literally nothing I can do that will change the brokenness I carry on the inside. All the behavior modification will not change my broken disposition BUT that does not change God's love for me, His ability to use me, and His power to change me however not on my timetable but His.

It's a humbling place to find myself where I feel I should have all the right answers yet unable to follow through with my own advice.

So here I am, freshly on the same life journey I've been on realizing I am loved right where I am at and that Jesus is able to redeem me not through my own efforts but by His grace alone. And it is now by His grace that I await His transforming work to make me more like the image of who He wants me to be which is really just a redeemed version of myself, warts and all.

What would it look like if Jesus were to redeem your life?

Your life wouldn't look like the pope, or your pastor, or Billy Graham, or Mother Teresa. Instead you would look more like yourself having the identity of who you were made to be, broken in certain ways, yet now redeemed.

Like a restored vase or clay pot.

The point of all this is to say this. Regardless of whether it is a quick or slow process, it is God's grace that leads us to a place of surrender where we understand there is nothing we can do to change our broken natures and that our salvation and redemption can only be found in the saving work of Jesus.

It's the first step whether it happens overnight or over a lifetime.

Save Me

The issue that offends God is that our disposition is naturally against Him, not for Him. Until that is conceded the issue of HOW we sin doesn't even matter because to address sin in any other context is corrupted self driven attainment. In other words, in the words used in Judges--

Everyone being right in their own eyes.

What we need is Jesus and the grace to surrender to Him first and foremost. That's why the story about the tax collector and pharisee that Jesus shares about in Luke 18 is so profound. The pharisee was focused on his performance and perceived good deeds and therefore self deceived about his corrupt state-of-being. Whereas the tax collector was fully aware of his entire corrupted disposition which is why he prayed "have mercy on me a sinner" rather than, "Have mercy on me for my sins!". 
As sinners even on our best day we're far from pleasing God by what we do because of our natural disposition which is against Him. Every good work therefore is corrupt, unauthorized and illegitimate because it's for ourselves and not for God. Our attempted performance for God is nothing but garbage in the words of Paul in Philippians 3:8.

The good news is God loves us. And because He does He provides the method for bringing us back into a right disposition with Him. This happens when we acknowledge who Jesus is, what He did for us, and our need for Him. We then repent of who we are and surrender our disposition to Him so we may be transformed from the inside out. All of this happens by trusting in Jesus and can only occur when God's grace is given and apprehended to do so. 

When we believe in Jesus and surrender in this way, we are given a new frame of mind which does not begin with self justification but rather brokenness and a willingness to change in whatever ways God shows us we're in opposition to God in how we think about Him, how we relate to God and others, how we think about ourselves, and how we live our lives.

Even after this occurs we must continue to understand that while there is law which is God's prescription and command for the right way to live, behavior modification to obey the law is only outward behavior modification which is often temporary and does not necessarily reflect a change of heart. 

Transformation does not occur simply by adjusting our behavior. We must allow Jesus to show us the inclination of our deceitful hearts that will often fake obedience to God without surrender.  

The analogy that comes to mind is that of a child who is sitting down in obedience to their parent's wishes outwardly but inwardly still standing with a defiant attitude.

We must allow Jesus to show us our corrupt motivations and be brought to a state of recognition of our disposition and then become willing for God to purify our hearts.

None of this however would even happen without God's SANCTIFYING grace intervening to bring us to that awareness. 

Identifiable sinners and addicts may be more inclined to see this truth about themselves than others because their sin has brought them to that place affectionately referred to by recovering addicts as rock-bottom.

__________________

Scriptures to Pray About 

To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everyone else, Jesus told this parable: “Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other people—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.’

“But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, ‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’

“I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.”

Luke 18:9-14  (New Living Translation)

Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ...

Philippians 3:9 (New Living Translation)

Brutal Honesty

Throughout my spiritual journey I have wrestled with a pivotal point in how I walk with God on a daily basis.

As I mentioned in my last post, it is important to maintain transparency in how we relate and communicate with each other. In that spirit, let me share a bit more about myself.

One of the key tenants of the Christian faith is the concept of grace. Don't want to get too heady here but basically grace is the vehicle through which salvation is brought to us. And by grace, we mean a free gift. Something unearned that our own wealth or power cannot bring to us.

I believe God has given that grace to me. The witness of Jesus in the Scriptures shows us that it was by Jesus' death that we may be forgiven and through his restored life we may find resurrection life as well. The Bible is very clear that there is nothing we can do to earn this yet belief is required to receive it. Paul in the Bible goes so far as to say that if you try to earn salvation then you are essentially doing it wrong and that you have not truly placed your faith in the finished work of Jesus.

Ok - so here's my dilemma.

The Bible states also that those who have been saved will obey Jesus. It also states that those who continue to practice lawlessness--a life which disregards God as our Judge and Creator--will not ineherit God's kingdom. [Galatians 5:20-21]

Do you detect the dilemma?

I am saved by grace and not by my efforts, but if I'm saved then my efforts will demonstrate the salvation I have received. And then enters me and my messy life (and maybe yours, too?).

For much of my life I have sought to live in faith concerning God's grace and in obedience to Jesus -AND- not in a way where I'm trying to earn my salvation.

I'm failing at this.

By failing I simply mean based on God's perfect standard I'm not perfect. I'm missing the mark and in some areas of my life specifically addressed in the Bible, often in ways that cause me great distress!

So what do I do with this conflict? Or put in the words of Paul, "The things I don't want to do I do! ...Oh wretch that I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death!?"

For me, my battle is with ingrained mindsets and broken ways of coping which I find difficult to shake off. It gets messy for me and like Paul I cry out the same distressing question, "Who will rescue me?!"

The comfort I find is found in Paul's following statement who appeals once again to Jesus' work on the cross and God's incredible grace. "Thanks be to God who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!" And in the very next chapter and verse he says, "There is now therefore no condemnation for those who are in Jesus." [see end of Romans 7 and beginning of Romans 8]

Believe me, I'm not looking for an excuse to live contrary to God's "best life" for me. Apart from God's grace I believe I would stand condemned. Paul is very clear that to understand God's grace is to not abuse it. He explains that though we have received this grace we should by no means continue to sin as if that should help God in making His grace appear even more wonderful.

As I have walked this journey I believe my Shepherd Jesus has been gradually teaching and growing me to be more like the sheep he wants me to be. It's been a long journey and frankly I'm embarrassed for how wayward and double-minded I can often be even years after following him. Jesus is worthy of a better track record on my part.

My relationship with my dog Blaze provides a small picture into my life with God.

You may have seen in a video I've posted elsewhere how my beloved Blaze enjoys the little treats he finds along the path by the pond, and by treats I mean duck poop. It's gross! Try as I may I have yet to get through to him how disgusting and possibly detrimental that could be to him. I keep working with him to train that behavior out of him but in no way does his behavior cause me to love him less or want to drop him off at the pound. In some small measure I believe God feels the same about me, only so much more--like in the manner of a parent and child.

Take heart dear friend. You really are not alone. God cares for you more than you could possibly imagine. 

God loves you right where you're at and He has not given up on you. So don't give up!

If you find yourself in the depths as I often have either inwardly or outwardly why not call to Him? He is near to the humble and the brokenhearted. That's who God is.

[for study and reference I have been reflecting on Romans chapters 7-8 and Galatians chapter 5]

Just Pretend

There is a popular social media video trend I've come across on more than one occasion by different media creators.

The basic gist?

Don't ever publicly reveal your weaknesses or anything that people can use against you.

It's ironic because last I checked transparency actually generates trust. Yes, you can go overboard in overwhelming people with your dirty laundry and that stinks. 😁

That being said we are passing into a new generational culture where transparency is refreshing and welcomed. People are tired of the bullshit, particularly when it comes from people that claim to have answers. Answers and shared experiences are welcomed warmly however when provided with humility and at least the air of transparency.

One of the powerful traits found in the Biblical accounts is the ridiculous transparency about the flaws that key people in the narrative carried--sometimes autobiographical! It's not normal to reveal one's own mistakes and weaknesses but it is powerful in lending credibility to the narrative.

The power to be weak and vulnerable is a trait found even in nature and is used with remarkable skill.

I believe the general population is tired of the games we play in society to show face and act confident and conceal weaknesses.

The reality is there is a context for appropriate environments to be vulnerable. Much depends on your purpose in doing so. Do you want to present yourself as the trustworthy and relatable person you believe yourself to be?

Stop pretending.

Valentine Wishes

Today marks the anniversary of my first unofficial date with my former wife.

It was February 13th that we went out on a Just Friends Valentine's date, since we decided neither of us singles should be alone for Valentine's.  We decided to be practical and go out the night before to avoid the crowds and long waits at the restaurants on Valentine's day. We went to Asheville and had the worst time finding parking and then I was freaking out because we didn't have coins for the parking meter. We were literally freezing our butts off trying to find any establishment that could provide change for the meter. 

We went and had crepes that were very disappointing because they were awfully NOT authentic. We went to a bar and listened to live folk music. We skipped like kids in love down the street holding hands pretending we were in love and laughing ridiculously hard as we skipped. And as we did we didn't realize it at first but we had fallen stupid hard in love.

That was not supposed to happen. I was considerably older AND I was same sex attracted and had no intention on pursuing anything at the time. That's why I agreed to the Just Friends Valentine's date in the first place! So we wouldn't be alone! I brought her chocolate and a Valentine. And to my great surprise she had written sweet little notes on tiny heart shaped cut-outs that literally brought tears to my eyes. So sweet and precious. Still is!

The day we realized we were in love a couple days later a dear friend asked her a question that quite surprised her. She said, "Would you want to have another Valentine's with him?" Her answer, "I want to spend all of them with him!"

I miss her terribly.

I called her today and didn't even realize until after our conversation that it was THIS anniversary. We talk periodically because frankly we still care for each other in spite of the issues that are stirred up between us, my issues not hers.

To speak with her can be painful for the grief of losing her and yet I wouldn't trade the opportunity for anything. I have no way to explain how I feel for her in spite of the conflict of what I've been carrying within me that brought about the demise of our marriage.

I'm so glad I was able to speak with her today and grateful that she is carrying on well.

Happy Valentine's, my dearest.

Love To Laugh

When I was a young boy I have very fond memories spending my mornings and afternoons with my mother while dad was a work.

As I mentioned previously, I was born premature and very sickly. On top of that my mother suffered from a massive subdural hematoma which is when blood collects in between the skull and brain. The effects were severe and crippling for her as it created damaging pressure on her brain. That being said she had recovered well enough for me to be left alone with her while dad was at work.

I loved my days with mom. Even at the age of five I was helping her with laundry and picking up things around the house, and when my brother was born I helped my mom change his diapers. Yes, she had another boy in spite of some of the debilitating challenges she was still wrestling with! Actually she eventually gave birth to a second brother as well!

Every morning after breakfast we would watch a whole series of shows on TV. We watched Loony Tunes, I Love Lucy, Little House on the Prairie, Bonanza and others throughout a part of the afternoon at times after my nap, if I wasn't playing instead.

We sat there and laughed our heads off especially at Bugs Bunny and I Love Lucy. Those were what I remember as the good ole days.

As I grew up our relationship became quite strained. By the time I was in middle school our relationship had grown toxic and things happened between me, her, and my dad that were confusing and hurtful. At this point I don't care to point fingers of blame at either of them. We were all going through it.

I'm grateful that I have a decent relationship with them now.

A few things I've learned by experience along that journey:

Anger in itself is not wrong. It is a natural emotion and is a warning sign that we are feeling threatened. Learning to communicate how we feel in a respectful manner is absolutely important for the health of a relationship. For my part, I was not able to do that effectively in my mid-teens but as I began to work through the unresolved anger in my life as an adult I was able to have some heart-to-hearts with both my parents that were clarifying and important, particularly in moving towards reconciliation.

Forgiveness is essential to be able move forward in our lives. Forgiveness is not excusing what happened but in fact coming to the full realization of what the damage was and choosing to let go of that which you think was owed to you. By the way, usually the bigger the offense is the more necessary it is to be honest with yourself about what you were hurt and angry about before you can really let it go.

Forgiveness means letting go of the hurt or the emotional damage. What I mean by this is sometimes a hurt occurs regardless of whether the other party involved intended to harm us or not. It is possible to forgive even a good, accidental or misconstrued action simply because it incurred damage even if the other person was in the right. An example of this is when a vehicle collision occurs through no intentional fault or negligence causing loss to ourselves or a loved one. What we're letting go of is the debt of harm created by that other person. We must acknowledge the hurt we've experienced and then let it go otherwise we remain captive to the debt of harm and loss the other's actions caused us.

Forgiveness is not reconciliation. To no longer require recompense for your injuries does not mean you are to enter back into the same level of trust in the relationship. You can only reconcile to the degree that both parties agree what the injury was and there is willingness AND ABILITY for positive change to occur. This is huge. Even if some recognize the damage done, sometimes for whatever reason change is not always possible given chronic destructive patterns that may exist in a person's life. Also sometimes the offense can be so great that reconciliation may not be possible even if forgiveness is extended.  We are not required to repeatedly put ourselves in harms way and in some cases just being in a toxic person's presence can be traumatizing. Again, forgiveness is not reconciliation.

Boundaries are a great intermediary step that can be implemented when change in a relationship is necessary. Often boundaries are a loving and healthy tool for interacting in relationships where damage has occurred. Boundaries are often needed particularly where full reconciliation and trust in a relationship cannot be restored or when facing repeat offense scenarios.

What has been amazing is how God through a process of healing has been restoring my relationship with my parents. If you knew how bitter and angry particularly toward my mother that I had become you would be shocked to know that I consider her now to be one of my best friends and support in my life. Much of what happened between us was our weaknesses conflicting with one another coupled with some grave misunderstandings. The damage for both of us was very profound but now the restoration is also profoundly sweet as well!

This year I was not able to be with my mom for her birthday. I sent her a card and had a special gift delivered to her. She called me on two separate days when each arrived and we truly had a wonderful talk. At one point I said something funny to her and she was laughing and then I was laughing and then we just couldn't stop. It was glorious and I suddenly remembered how we used to laugh together when I was little boy. The thought of it now makes my eyes leak tears of joy and relief.

Thank you, Jesus!

From Under the Blankets

That's the title that came to mind when I started this post as a continuation of my last post.

And that brings up imagery of what it was like as a youngster feeling afraid of monsters in the dark. What did I do? I ducked under the covers. The covers are used in times like these as a force-field of protection. Inside those covers I believed I was safe from harm and hidden from exposure.

That's what my life feels like at times. 

There are times in my life where I am essentially living in a dream world where imagination and blankets will protect from all harm. I think as humans it is easy to live in this state of being.  Aside from the obvious, that blankets will not protect us from harm, there are other trade-offs even if for a while we DO find safety there. 

Blankets have a way of becoming stifling. Every night my little dog Blaze transfers back and forth from outside the blankets to under them. He will a few times a night come to the opening of the blankets and push his nose into them and awaits for me to lift them up for him to enter. Inevitably, however, once he is presumably too hot and stifled--most likely from my farts--he emerges once again from his cocoon for fresh air. Ducking our heads from life's problems only causes us to feel stifled and unable to breath.

Blankets also create a false sense of security that everything is going to be ok even in the face of potential danger. If our house is on fire, blankets will protect us for a while but if we do not find a way of escape the situation could be deadly.

Blankets create a sense of timeless darkness where we do not realize the wasted hours passing and it blinds us from the life we're missing.

So my challenge to myself today is to face the fears of my imagination and move past it. One of the most effective things I've done when I've been in that state of irrational fear as a child was to leap as far away from my bed and anything lurking under it and reach the light switch as quickly as possible. 

Once I turn on the lights all my fears disappear because I can finally see clearly.

I am going to continue to take that leap from my bed into the darkness toward the Light because it's just insanity to hide from my life in anxiety and fear.

Jesus says, "Wake up! And strengthen what remains and is about to die.  Come to me because I am the light you need to see your way clearly. Whatever troubles you bring to me. I am able to bare your burdens and help you. I am for you and not against you. Let's get to work. It's still daylight! Work while it is still day because when night falls there will be no more opportunity!"

Please know you are loved, my friends. By God and by me.

Who Do You Even Think You Are?

I'm going to be honest. It's really hard to blog when you're struggling and feeling depressed. Did you ever watch that movie The Never Ending Story where Atreyu looses his dear horse Artax and then is trudging through chest-deep mud? Yep, that's what comes to mind.

I really do believe what I have to impart through my writing is important, but often I'm in a place where I'd rather crawl into a hole (or under the blankets in my bed) and curl up and sleep for the next 5 years.

That hardly seems advisable.

So here I am making an attempt to write anyway. 

Why am I depressed you ask?

I think it amounts to shame and fear. I struggle with the shame of not being anywhere close to where I want to be in my own journey and the fear that it will always be that way.

As I'm pondering this it occurs to me that there are other media creators I've come across that don't have their shit together either that really deeply inspire me. Yes sorry, I said shit, but it really is a very descriptive and accurate word for where people often find themselves. 

One of the major themes that inspires me in these people's stories is not that they have everything figured out. It is the beautiful sacrifice of their lives laid bare for others to find hope in their journeys too.

I hope and pray I will continue to find persevering strength and courage to press through my own darkness to bring encouragement to others.

As a reminder to myself to drag myself out of the cesspool of self-pity: 

I am the formerly premature infant that barely survived and was deeply touched by the pain that he and his family experienced. Through my journey I became very sensitive and compassionate toward the needs of others. I am very gifted to provide care for other people, and often do so laying my own inner struggles aside for the sake of being present for others. I wrestle intensely with insecurity and self consciousness about my body and know what it means to feel shame about my body and appearance. I suffer from depression and mood swings and at times crippling anxiety. I have literally watched the hopes and dreams of loved ones (and me) burn to the ground yet still believe in an incredible loving God who is able to rekindle a raging fire from the smallest spark. And I have seen God begin that rekindling process in others lives and at least in some measure my own. Somehow through it all, praise be to God, I have not thrown in the towel on God or my life.

I am that spark. And if you're reading this I would venture to say, so are you!

Would you please believe and hope with me and pray for God to continue to do amazing things in my life and yours? Please don't give up and please share your journeys with me and others around you. 

We are stronger when we choose not to stand alone.

All things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose.

Would you say this with me?

I love God and I am called to fulfill His purposes in my life. All things will work out for my good!

Take Me to the Father

 If there's one thing that I have begun to understand it's this -

Jesus is wonderful and we most definitely should want to be his friend and Jesus says he is the only way to the Father. It is only in and through Jesus that we are saved. Here is something interesting though that Jesus said about the Father--that is God, the Father of the Universe:

John 16:25-28  [New Living Translation]

25 “I have spoken of these matters in figures of speech, but soon I will stop speaking figuratively and will tell you plainly all about the Father. 26 Then you will ask in my name. I’m not saying I will ask the Father on your behalf, 27 for the Father himself loves you dearly because you love me and believe that I came from God.[a] 28 Yes, I came from the Father into the world, and now I will leave the world and return to the Father.”

 My take-home from this is that Jesus' very center is the Father and it is a relationship with God, our Father we should desire also. Jesus is also saying that the Father loves us dearly when we accept Jesus, the Son. It can be easy to pray continually to Jesus which is fine. But Jesus is indicating that all of what he has accomplished is to bring us to the Father!

Have you asked Jesus to take you to the Father? I don't just mean when you die. I mean presently in this life. Have you come to know the Father? Have you allowed the Father into your life to know you?

Jesus is gracious enough to lead you straight to the Father, if you'll let him.

THE FATHER [Live Acoustic Video] | Vineyard Worship feat. Samuel Lane 

 

 

Flight Connections

So perhaps not surprisingly since I was writing a post about planes and dreams yesterday, I had another vivid dream last night about air travel. Except I don't typically have dreams that I remember. Now keep in mind. I don't take every dream seriously, but I do believe there is Biblical precedent to ask God about our dreams and some dreams just seem to stick with me.

Another freebie: Like I said in yesterday's post. Almost any situation is an opportunity to dialogue with God. Hopefully, if the devil himself visited you whether you realized it or not, you would be wise enough to ask God once again like you would for any situation, "What do you want me to know about that?" The answers God brings should line up with Scripture and will also generally bring conviction in your life to address some issue that He as your Father would want you to know about. 

I digress.

In this dream I was back in college of some sort and I it was the end of the semester and we were making preparations to leave. Oddly, I was also in an eastern country like Turkey or something. I was delaying in my packing and preparations and suddenly I realized I was late to leave for the airport! In a very stressed flurry I was packing and clearing out in hurried and unorganized fashion. I was trying to get to the airport and realizing I was already within the 2 hour departure window and I hadn't even arrived yet. By the time I arrived it seemed that I was already late to check-in but still had several transfers to make before I arrived at my terminal. In the dream, I was stressed, angry and blaming everyone around me for what was actually my mistake in poor planning. And before I knew what the outcome was I had woken up!

As I awoke I felt that there was significance to this dream. As I got up and took Blaze for a walk this uneasy feeling would not leave me. In fact I felt God was already talking to me before I had a chance to ask Him about it. But I asked anyway. "God, what do you want me to know about that dream?"

I'm dead serious about what He brought to mind,

You are embarking on the biggest adventure of your life but don't allow the distractions of this world  prevent you from missing your opportunity and launching!

That to me was very poignant because that is a part of the struggle in my journey. I'm caught up in things of a temporal and earthly nature. Just yesterday, as if to confirm the message I was about to receive, a friend texted me and said I should read Colossians 3. I read that last night.

And I leave that with you to ponder and pray into as well -

Colossians 3:1-11 New Living Translation

3 Since you have been raised to new life with Christ, set your sights on the realities of heaven, where Christ sits in the place of honor at God’s right hand. 2 Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth. 3 For you died to this life, and your real life is hidden with Christ in God. 4 And when Christ, who is your[a] life, is revealed to the whole world, you will share in all his glory.

5 So put to death the sinful, earthly things lurking within you. Have nothing to do with sexual immorality, impurity, lust, and evil desires. Don’t be greedy, for a greedy person is an idolater, worshiping the things of this world. 6 Because of these sins, the anger of God is coming.[b] 7 You used to do these things when your life was still part of this world. 8 But now is the time to get rid of anger, rage, malicious behavior, slander, and dirty language. 9 Don’t lie to each other, for you have stripped off your old sinful nature and all its wicked deeds. 10 Put on your new nature, and be renewed as you learn to know your Creator and become like him. 11 In this new life, it doesn’t matter if you are a Jew or a Gentile,[c] circumcised or uncircumcised, barbaric, uncivilized,[d] slave, or free. Christ is all that matters, and he lives in all of us.

Colossians 3:1-11 (NLT)

Lucky Charm

Throughout my childhood I wrestled continually with this feeling of being overly responsible for the happenings of those close to me. In adulthood it began to occur to me that perhaps there was something deep down that I believed that left me continually feeling this way.

As I've mentioned before, some very challenging things occurred at my birth. My mother had a stroke which was related to her pregnancy with me. Different people in my life began to have a hunch that perhaps I blamed myself for her stroke. Each time I was asked my response was, "Well, I don't think so. I know I wasn't directly responsible for what happened to her. I had no say in it."

One night I had a very vivid and crazy dream. In the dream I was flying in a huge passenger plane along with everyone I loved and knew. In the dream the plane began falling out of the sky and crashed. I was one only survivor as I sat strapped still in my seat unharmed but with plane wreckage all around me, and then I woke up.

Side note: I've learned along the way that a really great prayer to pray in any situation is, "God, what do you want me to know about that?" That's what I asked Him about the dream since it startled me so much.

Amazingly a clear answer came to my mind right away, Jason, you believe yourself to be a bad luck charm to the people around you. So, yes, in a way you do blame yourself for your mother's stroke. You believe if you had never been born this would have never happened to her. You believe yourself to be a curse!

I was blown away because somehow God was able to move past my defenses and help me realize that this accurately described my inward experience on a regular basis. If something went wrong I naturally began to feel shame and guilt about it as if I could have and should have prevented it from happening. 

This was definitely worth taking note of but what I failed to apprehend at the time was that I did not know how to combat this lie. Though I knew it was a lie I still typically operated as if it were true and it played out profoundly awful ways. 

I don't know if you have realized this but if we believe something long enough our life will match what we believe and come to expect. What we believe and expect will cause us to reap experiences that confirm our filtered bias and how we see the world. If I believe, for example, that I am a curse to the people around me, I will come to expect that bad things will happen to them when I'm around, and when bad things do happen from time-to-time it will confirm that same belief and I will naturally feel shame and regret even when I had nothing to do with it! I will also be blind to the good things that happened because I was there!

Several years down the road the time ripened for God to address this with me yet again as I was not apprehending the truth of what He wanted me to know about myself. I was walking when suddenly, very clearly, a thought popped into my head. 

Psst! Jason, you're my lucky charm! Just wanted you to know that. Wherever Jason is good things happen because I'm with you.

That took me by surprise. It was so foreign and not the typical way I think about my relationship with God. But I got the message loud and clear. Another time I woke up one morning and the thought re-occured to me, only louder--if thoughts could be louder. 

That same day I was visiting with a friend and sharing with her what God was showing me. She smiled and said that's funny! Because I was thinking of you this morning and have been meaning to tell you that God wants you to know that wherever Jason is HEALING happens. That was earth shattering for me because that is what the name Jason means: Healer

BOOM!

For old dogs new tricks and patterns of thinking are not always easy to apprehend. It's been a work in progress for me. There's been a lot of interweaving broken thought patterns like this I'm having to unlearn. Interestingly, God has been speaking to me about this once again lately showing me that not only did I believe myself to be a curse to others but that I am cursed also. Cursed to be a curse is the way the lie comes across to my heart. He's been kind enough to show me some of the devastating ways that has played out in my life. God then shared with me the truth about who He's made me to be.

You are blessed to be a blessing. You are an agent of healing and a lucky charm to the people I've placed in your life. I've designed you in such a way that good things come to those around you.

I'm learning now that I can begin to relax and trust God when challenging and painful things happen especially to those I care about. I'm beginning to operate in a new belief that while I may not be able to control the outcome of a situation which is in God's court, I can speak to God on their behalf and know that my prayers will make a difference because I am blessed to be God's son and blessed to be a blessing.

I love that about God. He really does love each of us deeply and uniquely. Perhaps God has encountered you in profound way too! If not, simply ask Him to! God loves to give good gifts to His children. Like Jesus said, "What good father, when his child asks for bread would give him a snake? How much more would your Heavenly Father give you good gifts if you ask Him to?"

May God richly and abundantly bless you in His goodness, grace and love!

Light Around the Corner

 I spent all afternoon writing a blogpost yesterday but was not feeling it.

It was too heady and after more thought when discussing this with a friend of mine I realized a covert effort on my part once again to cover the shame of the imperfections, the not yets , and the unanswered questions presented by the story of my life. Shame has a sneaky way of creeping through the backdoor even in the guise of spirituality and sound doctrine.

I am trying to be intentional here to be transparent with where I actually am as much as possible to demonstrate not so much where I should be but how God meets me right where I'm at. This also makes me available for others whose paths cross with my own.

My hope is that my sharing will not as much answer all the questions but rather plant seeds that those who have an ear to hear may enter into relationship from right where they're at more deeply if so desired. 

Stepping into the light brings hope and freedom to every dark dungeon. It is when we allow the light to shine that the way out of the darkness and the shame become visible.

A Turtle's Race

When did I first know that I was attracted to the same-gender and... is that even really a thing?!

Throughout out my childhood I would say I struggled profoundly with insecurity.  I was born into trauma having a mother who had life-threatening medical complications due to her pregnancy with me. I was in an incubator for a long time and was fed through a tube directly to my stomach until I was one years old. Needless to say this affected me developmentally and it was a miracle I even survived. I have even had flashbacks of being medically treated in the midst of the time and the sheer terror I experienced through it all. I don't say any of this to have a pity party. I have realized, though, the trauma I experienced set the stage for insecurity to be a dominant issue in my life.

As I grew into preadolescence that insecurity bled into my relationship with my parents. Our relationship broke down in the midst of a series of conflicts that occurred between the three of us and the insecurity I felt contributed significantly to those conflicts and the hurt I experienced in the midst.

The insecurity turned to shame and I genuinely believed I was somehow defective. This internalized shame led me down a path of rejecting my own masculine power while simultaneously longing for it in that of other men which ultimately led to infatuation of males who exhibited masculine power in ways I admired. There is more nuance to this but I feel the nitty-gritty is unnecessary for this post.

Words can never fully describe the conflict I felt having grown up the son of evangelical missionaries and having no paradigm to understand the way I felt without experiencing the incredible shame that it inevitably brings. I have never embraced this part of who I am as an acceptable identity yet battle the seduction of it just the same.

I will say the conflict I have experienced is not made easier by people who stand on opposite extremes of the issue. There are the religious fundamentalist types who have nothing but judgment for people who struggle like me. Thankfully my family has not been one of those. There are also those who militantly stand on the side of gay activism who have nothing but judgment for people who struggle like me also, though for different reasons. For them people like me are to be the most pitied at best for being deluded and refusing to accept our natural proclivities.

The conflict is also not made easier by those who believe they have all the answers to fix me. Pardon the play-on-words, but as if the issue were as easy as getting fixed! My own longing for the quick-fix led me down the treacherous path of marrying and subsequently hurting my dear wife whom I still absolutely love and adore regardless of the fact that our marriage ended 4 years later because of the issues I was wrestling with.

So where does that leave me?

Some days I believe I'm trapped in a hole of dark despair and shame. I think I've completely f***ed up my life--pardon the accurately descriptive expletive--and any hope to do good for people and bring glory to the God I imperfectly love.

There are days though when hope rises and I begin to think that I have been made for something more and that even good things can happen in and through the crap that I have endured and in some cases even created! I have friends who do not try to fix me but rather tell me God can use me right where I'm at and that I'm worth fighting for and that this present moment is a great place to enter into the story God has already been writing!

I must admit, I am less inclined to believe that God who is capable will entirely fix me or remove those desires in this life. It would seem He allows the struggle to exist to keep me humble and reliant on Him. I do believe God has a better way to live that is not dictated by or bound to physical desire. God understands and loves me right where I'm at and provides grace to continue to grow in a way that is best for me and provides help in the areas of my weakness. It would seem God has a path for me that doesn't look like the romantic picture perfect fairy tale ending that we often cling to in western culture.

Heaven knows there are many in this world that will never recover the damage they've sustained along their life journey this side of eternity. What if there is another way to talk about redemption which doesn't always look like the before and after of an infomercial? What if redemption for some looks like hope and strength in the midst of the difficulty. Is this not also victory?

Too many suffer shame and rejection even as I have because their life outcome does not look the same as that of someone else. Why even compare the races of that of a tortoise and a hare anyway? Why do we think it a good idea that two very different people's race should be compared and judged let alone placed in competition with one another?!

I believe more easily for you than for myself, whoever and wherever you are on the journey, you are worth fighting for. God understands and cares for you more deeply than you could possibly imagine and is rooting for you however messy the journey may seem.

I am rooting for you too!

The Song That Never Ends

I am a shame-driven perfectionist.

When I fall into the trap of trying to perform my way out of shame it's like the song that never ends.

It goes on and on, my friends.

The song of shame will always seem unfinished. It's addictive and will never satisfy shame's appetite.

The song never asks the question as God does, "Who told you that you were naked?"

The truth is...

God does not see me in my shame but rather as His child. He has clothed me in glorious garments and placed a crown of beauty on my head.

And He is teaching me a new song to sing. 

A song of praise. Praise God once again!  

[see Isaiah 61: 1-7]

War-Torn Letters

"I am probably unlike many Christians you have met... "

That was how I described myself once to a co-worker who began to become suspicious that I was a Christian, one of THOSE Christians. It happened to be that this co-worker was very openly unabashedly gay. He seemed to be looking for some kind of response from me that would incriminate me as the sort of Christian who would judge him for being that way.

I had his attention. "What do you mean?"

"Well, yes, I am a Christian but I am also one who has similar battles as you."

"What do you mean... ?" And then it suddenly dawned on him. "Wait! Are you gay?!!!"

Welp. The cat was out of the closet though in reality I generally have been an open book to those who want to know.  As the conversation continued however I began to prove my point. I really was unlike any Christian (or gay, for that matter) that he had ever met. I explained to him that I very much believed in Jesus but also very much was attracted to certain men. I continued to explain that I believed God had designed us to live differently but that brokenness from living in a sinful world and being broken by sin itself plays out in our sexuality in all kinds of ways. Perhaps at some point I will revisit the incredible discussion that ensued as he invited me to continue to discuss these things more deeply for many hours after we got off work. 

I bring this real-life encounter up because it was this moment that I was brought back to as I have continue to wrestle very deeply with the conundrum of where I find myself in my life. 

I believe God has called me to be a representative of His, sharing love and the wonderful news of redemption that Jesus came to bring. Not only this, I want to! I want people to know some of the amazing things I shared with this young man and to experience the amazing tangible presence of our awesome and loving God just as I have. Lately, I have realized afresh that I am probably gifted to write and to inspire others through various forms of communication. I have even taken some giant leaps of faith toward that end.

At the same time.

I struggle in the broken areas of my life.

In the effort to follow God's path for my life but mainly because I just really fell in love, I married a wonderful woman. I really believed that God led us together. Yet the unresolved broken places of my life tore us apart. I hurt her deeply despite my desire to do the opposite. Over the course of four years I could not find the strength I needed to change to save our marriage even after seeking radical help. This is the greatest failure of my life, and I live with the shoulda-coulda-wouldas that at times plague me.

My brokenness serves, at least in my mind, as a hateful banner in opposition to the message I wanted to proclaim concerning the loving redemptive power of God.  The shaming messages that I am a fraud, hypocrite, failure, not good enough, weak, and irreparable often echo in the darkened and despondent places of my heart. It is absolutely certain that the continual cycle of shame only serves to keep me in continued cycles of defeat as well.

Over the last few days I have been more transparent about this dilemma I've been facing.  Dear friends from my church have encouraged me to push through the lack of inspiration and motivation saying I should write anyway and if I don't know what to write about, then write about that! As touching as their vote of confidence has been, something in me was still holding back. It finally hit me today as I continued to wrestle and pray through the tension I felt with God.

I realized, the only reason I did not want to do that is because I do not want my unresolved brokenness and failure to be included in that redemptive message I wanted to share. Truthfully, I had a particular picture that God's redemption should bring about a very particular outcome to my story before I could share it! 

God challenged me on this. 

Isn't it time you let of go of the ego-centered fairy-tale you think my grace to be and accept my grace for what it is?!  Are you going to withhold the life-changing message of my love from people just because of your own shame and failure? You can be a message of hope in this dark world not only in spite of your brokenness but even through it. My strength is perfected in your weaknesses and failures, both past, continual and future.

What comes to mind is the iconic scene of that of many-a-soldier who writes home to their dearest in the midst of battle. The letters being sent are often written from within the trenches sometimes in the face of impending death. In these letters are the soldier's most heartfelt emotions raw and unedited. The effect of such accounts make indelible marks in the hearts of those who are privileged to read them. That is what I believe God is calling us to. We are to be unedited testaments of His love in our lives--the triumphs, the defeats, but most of all--the love--His love.

So stay tuned, my friends for more. For His sake may we live our lives as war-torn testaments of His redeeming love. And along the way we are blessed by those in the trenches with us who inspire us to carry on! 

May God help me be that for you as well.