When did I first know that I was attracted to the same-gender and... is that even really a thing?!
Throughout out my childhood I would say I struggled profoundly with insecurity. I was born into trauma having a mother who had life-threatening medical complications due to her pregnancy with me. I was in an incubator for a long time and was fed through a tube directly to my stomach until I was one years old. Needless to say this affected me developmentally and it was a miracle I even survived. I have even had flashbacks of being medically treated in the midst of the time and the sheer terror I experienced through it all. I don't say any of this to have a pity party. I have realized, though, the trauma I experienced set the stage for insecurity to be a dominant issue in my life.
As I grew into preadolescence that insecurity bled into my relationship with my parents. Our relationship broke down in the midst of a series of conflicts that occurred between the three of us and the insecurity I felt contributed significantly to those conflicts and the hurt I experienced in the midst.
The insecurity turned to shame and I genuinely believed I was somehow defective. This internalized shame led me down a path of rejecting my own masculine power while simultaneously longing for it in that of other men which ultimately led to infatuation of males who exhibited masculine power in ways I admired. There is more nuance to this but I feel the nitty-gritty is unnecessary for this post.
Words can never fully describe the conflict I felt having grown up the son of evangelical missionaries and having no paradigm to understand the way I felt without experiencing the incredible shame that it inevitably brings. I have never embraced this part of who I am as an acceptable identity yet battle the seduction of it just the same.
I will say the conflict I have experienced is not made easier by people who stand on opposite extremes of the issue. There are the religious fundamentalist types who have nothing but judgment for people who struggle like me. Thankfully my family has not been one of those. There are also those who militantly stand on the side of gay activism who have nothing but judgment for people who struggle like me also, though for different reasons. For them people like me are to be the most pitied at best for being deluded and refusing to accept our natural proclivities.
The conflict is also not made easier by those who believe they have all the answers to fix me. Pardon the play-on-words, but as if the issue were as easy as getting fixed! My own longing for the quick-fix led me down the treacherous path of marrying and subsequently hurting my dear wife whom I still absolutely love and adore regardless of the fact that our marriage ended 4 years later because of the issues I was wrestling with.
So where does that leave me?
Some days I believe I'm trapped in a hole of dark despair and shame. I think I've completely f***ed up my life--pardon the accurately descriptive expletive--and any hope to do good for people and bring glory to the God I imperfectly love.
There are days though when hope rises and I begin to think that I have been made for something more and that even good things can happen in and through the crap that I have endured and in some cases even created! I have friends who do not try to fix me but rather tell me God can use me right where I'm at and that I'm worth fighting for and that this present moment is a great place to enter into the story God has already been writing!
I must admit, I am less inclined to believe that God who is capable will entirely fix me or remove those desires in this life. It would seem He allows the struggle to exist to keep me humble and reliant on Him. I do believe God has a better way to live that is not dictated by or bound to physical desire. God understands and loves me right where I'm at and provides grace to continue to grow in a way that is best for me and provides help in the areas of my weakness. It would seem God has a path for me that doesn't look like the romantic picture perfect fairy tale ending that we often cling to in western culture.
Heaven knows there are many in this world that will never recover the damage they've sustained along their life journey this side of eternity. What if there is another way to talk about redemption which doesn't always look like the before and after of an infomercial? What if redemption for some looks like hope and strength in the midst of the difficulty. Is this not also victory?
Too many suffer shame and rejection even as I have because their life outcome does not look the same as that of someone else. Why even compare the races of that of a tortoise and a hare anyway? Why do we think it a good idea that two very different people's race should be compared and judged let alone placed in competition with one another?!
I believe more easily for you than for myself, whoever and wherever you are on the journey, you are worth fighting for. God understands and cares for you more deeply than you could possibly imagine and is rooting for you however messy the journey may seem.
I am rooting for you too!
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