Lucky Charm

Throughout my childhood I wrestled continually with this feeling of being overly responsible for the happenings of those close to me. In adulthood it began to occur to me that perhaps there was something deep down that I believed that left me continually feeling this way.

As I've mentioned before, some very challenging things occurred at my birth. My mother had a stroke which was related to her pregnancy with me. Different people in my life began to have a hunch that perhaps I blamed myself for her stroke. Each time I was asked my response was, "Well, I don't think so. I know I wasn't directly responsible for what happened to her. I had no say in it."

One night I had a very vivid and crazy dream. In the dream I was flying in a huge passenger plane along with everyone I loved and knew. In the dream the plane began falling out of the sky and crashed. I was one only survivor as I sat strapped still in my seat unharmed but with plane wreckage all around me, and then I woke up.

Side note: I've learned along the way that a really great prayer to pray in any situation is, "God, what do you want me to know about that?" That's what I asked Him about the dream since it startled me so much.

Amazingly a clear answer came to my mind right away, Jason, you believe yourself to be a bad luck charm to the people around you. So, yes, in a way you do blame yourself for your mother's stroke. You believe if you had never been born this would have never happened to her. You believe yourself to be a curse!

I was blown away because somehow God was able to move past my defenses and help me realize that this accurately described my inward experience on a regular basis. If something went wrong I naturally began to feel shame and guilt about it as if I could have and should have prevented it from happening. 

This was definitely worth taking note of but what I failed to apprehend at the time was that I did not know how to combat this lie. Though I knew it was a lie I still typically operated as if it were true and it played out profoundly awful ways. 

I don't know if you have realized this but if we believe something long enough our life will match what we believe and come to expect. What we believe and expect will cause us to reap experiences that confirm our filtered bias and how we see the world. If I believe, for example, that I am a curse to the people around me, I will come to expect that bad things will happen to them when I'm around, and when bad things do happen from time-to-time it will confirm that same belief and I will naturally feel shame and regret even when I had nothing to do with it! I will also be blind to the good things that happened because I was there!

Several years down the road the time ripened for God to address this with me yet again as I was not apprehending the truth of what He wanted me to know about myself. I was walking when suddenly, very clearly, a thought popped into my head. 

Psst! Jason, you're my lucky charm! Just wanted you to know that. Wherever Jason is good things happen because I'm with you.

That took me by surprise. It was so foreign and not the typical way I think about my relationship with God. But I got the message loud and clear. Another time I woke up one morning and the thought re-occured to me, only louder--if thoughts could be louder. 

That same day I was visiting with a friend and sharing with her what God was showing me. She smiled and said that's funny! Because I was thinking of you this morning and have been meaning to tell you that God wants you to know that wherever Jason is HEALING happens. That was earth shattering for me because that is what the name Jason means: Healer

BOOM!

For old dogs new tricks and patterns of thinking are not always easy to apprehend. It's been a work in progress for me. There's been a lot of interweaving broken thought patterns like this I'm having to unlearn. Interestingly, God has been speaking to me about this once again lately showing me that not only did I believe myself to be a curse to others but that I am cursed also. Cursed to be a curse is the way the lie comes across to my heart. He's been kind enough to show me some of the devastating ways that has played out in my life. God then shared with me the truth about who He's made me to be.

You are blessed to be a blessing. You are an agent of healing and a lucky charm to the people I've placed in your life. I've designed you in such a way that good things come to those around you.

I'm learning now that I can begin to relax and trust God when challenging and painful things happen especially to those I care about. I'm beginning to operate in a new belief that while I may not be able to control the outcome of a situation which is in God's court, I can speak to God on their behalf and know that my prayers will make a difference because I am blessed to be God's son and blessed to be a blessing.

I love that about God. He really does love each of us deeply and uniquely. Perhaps God has encountered you in profound way too! If not, simply ask Him to! God loves to give good gifts to His children. Like Jesus said, "What good father, when his child asks for bread would give him a snake? How much more would your Heavenly Father give you good gifts if you ask Him to?"

May God richly and abundantly bless you in His goodness, grace and love!