Who Do You Even Think You Are?

I'm going to be honest. It's really hard to blog when you're struggling and feeling depressed. Did you ever watch that movie The Never Ending Story where Atreyu looses his dear horse Artax and then is trudging through chest-deep mud? Yep, that's what comes to mind.

I really do believe what I have to impart through my writing is important, but often I'm in a place where I'd rather crawl into a hole (or under the blankets in my bed) and curl up and sleep for the next 5 years.

That hardly seems advisable.

So here I am making an attempt to write anyway. 

Why am I depressed you ask?

I think it amounts to shame and fear. I struggle with the shame of not being anywhere close to where I want to be in my own journey and the fear that it will always be that way.

As I'm pondering this it occurs to me that there are other media creators I've come across that don't have their shit together either that really deeply inspire me. Yes sorry, I said shit, but it really is a very descriptive and accurate word for where people often find themselves. 

One of the major themes that inspires me in these people's stories is not that they have everything figured out. It is the beautiful sacrifice of their lives laid bare for others to find hope in their journeys too.

I hope and pray I will continue to find persevering strength and courage to press through my own darkness to bring encouragement to others.

As a reminder to myself to drag myself out of the cesspool of self-pity: 

I am the formerly premature infant that barely survived and was deeply touched by the pain that he and his family experienced. Through my journey I became very sensitive and compassionate toward the needs of others. I am very gifted to provide care for other people, and often do so laying my own inner struggles aside for the sake of being present for others. I wrestle intensely with insecurity and self consciousness about my body and know what it means to feel shame about my body and appearance. I suffer from depression and mood swings and at times crippling anxiety. I have literally watched the hopes and dreams of loved ones (and me) burn to the ground yet still believe in an incredible loving God who is able to rekindle a raging fire from the smallest spark. And I have seen God begin that rekindling process in others lives and at least in some measure my own. Somehow through it all, praise be to God, I have not thrown in the towel on God or my life.

I am that spark. And if you're reading this I would venture to say, so are you!

Would you please believe and hope with me and pray for God to continue to do amazing things in my life and yours? Please don't give up and please share your journeys with me and others around you. 

We are stronger when we choose not to stand alone.

All things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose.

Would you say this with me?

I love God and I am called to fulfill His purposes in my life. All things will work out for my good!