The Song That Never Ends

I am a shame-driven perfectionist.

When I fall into the trap of trying to perform my way out of shame it's like the song that never ends.

It goes on and on, my friends.

The song of shame will always seem unfinished. It's addictive and will never satisfy shame's appetite.

The song never asks the question as God does, "Who told you that you were naked?"

The truth is...

God does not see me in my shame but rather as His child. He has clothed me in glorious garments and placed a crown of beauty on my head.

And He is teaching me a new song to sing. 

A song of praise. Praise God once again!  

[see Isaiah 61: 1-7]

War-Torn Letters

"I am probably unlike many Christians you have met... "

That was how I described myself once to a co-worker who began to become suspicious that I was a Christian, one of THOSE Christians. It happened to be that this co-worker was very openly unabashedly gay. He seemed to be looking for some kind of response from me that would incriminate me as the sort of Christian who would judge him for being that way.

I had his attention. "What do you mean?"

"Well, yes, I am a Christian but I am also one who has similar battles as you."

"What do you mean... ?" And then it suddenly dawned on him. "Wait! Are you gay?!!!"

Welp. The cat was out of the closet though in reality I generally have been an open book to those who want to know.  As the conversation continued however I began to prove my point. I really was unlike any Christian (or gay, for that matter) that he had ever met. I explained to him that I very much believed in Jesus but also very much was attracted to certain men. I continued to explain that I believed God had designed us to live differently but that brokenness from living in a sinful world and being broken by sin itself plays out in our sexuality in all kinds of ways. Perhaps at some point I will revisit the incredible discussion that ensued as he invited me to continue to discuss these things more deeply for many hours after we got off work. 

I bring this real-life encounter up because it was this moment that I was brought back to as I have continue to wrestle very deeply with the conundrum of where I find myself in my life. 

I believe God has called me to be a representative of His, sharing love and the wonderful news of redemption that Jesus came to bring. Not only this, I want to! I want people to know some of the amazing things I shared with this young man and to experience the amazing tangible presence of our awesome and loving God just as I have. Lately, I have realized afresh that I am probably gifted to write and to inspire others through various forms of communication. I have even taken some giant leaps of faith toward that end.

At the same time.

I struggle in the broken areas of my life.

In the effort to follow God's path for my life but mainly because I just really fell in love, I married a wonderful woman. I really believed that God led us together. Yet the unresolved broken places of my life tore us apart. I hurt her deeply despite my desire to do the opposite. Over the course of four years I could not find the strength I needed to change to save our marriage even after seeking radical help. This is the greatest failure of my life, and I live with the shoulda-coulda-wouldas that at times plague me.

My brokenness serves, at least in my mind, as a hateful banner in opposition to the message I wanted to proclaim concerning the loving redemptive power of God.  The shaming messages that I am a fraud, hypocrite, failure, not good enough, weak, and irreparable often echo in the darkened and despondent places of my heart. It is absolutely certain that the continual cycle of shame only serves to keep me in continued cycles of defeat as well.

Over the last few days I have been more transparent about this dilemma I've been facing.  Dear friends from my church have encouraged me to push through the lack of inspiration and motivation saying I should write anyway and if I don't know what to write about, then write about that! As touching as their vote of confidence has been, something in me was still holding back. It finally hit me today as I continued to wrestle and pray through the tension I felt with God.

I realized, the only reason I did not want to do that is because I do not want my unresolved brokenness and failure to be included in that redemptive message I wanted to share. Truthfully, I had a particular picture that God's redemption should bring about a very particular outcome to my story before I could share it! 

God challenged me on this. 

Isn't it time you let of go of the ego-centered fairy-tale you think my grace to be and accept my grace for what it is?!  Are you going to withhold the life-changing message of my love from people just because of your own shame and failure? You can be a message of hope in this dark world not only in spite of your brokenness but even through it. My strength is perfected in your weaknesses and failures, both past, continual and future.

What comes to mind is the iconic scene of that of many-a-soldier who writes home to their dearest in the midst of battle. The letters being sent are often written from within the trenches sometimes in the face of impending death. In these letters are the soldier's most heartfelt emotions raw and unedited. The effect of such accounts make indelible marks in the hearts of those who are privileged to read them. That is what I believe God is calling us to. We are to be unedited testaments of His love in our lives--the triumphs, the defeats, but most of all--the love--His love.

So stay tuned, my friends for more. For His sake may we live our lives as war-torn testaments of His redeeming love. And along the way we are blessed by those in the trenches with us who inspire us to carry on! 

May God help me be that for you as well.

Christmas Presence

 Around the Christmas Season you'll find enormous preoccupation on gifts.

Usually this leads to a strong materialistic mindset. We look for gifts of high value and feel an obligation to provide the same to others.

There is a phrase I have heard which is, "The gift I want the most is your presence."  The word presence in this statement actually serves as a pun, a play-on-words. Because a loved one's presence is in fact the greatest present we can offer.

The same could be said to be true of God.

Often when we focus on the gifts God has given us we're looking for something specific and tangible: a filled need, a commodity, a service. We're looking for healing, miracles, blessings, forgiveness, salvation, eternal life.

This profound thought was re-enlivened for me just yesterday realizing His blessings can never be truly appreciated until we understand that His presence cannot be separated from the gifts He gives. When He gives us a gift He is in fact giving us Himself; the One from whom all good gifts flow!

That is the Christmas Story. Jesus was not born first and foremost to change anything. Rather He was born so the the gift of His presence would be made manifest and accessible to each one of us! Emmanuel, which is often quoted in this season, is another title of Jesus and it means "God with Us".

Have you received the present of His presence? If you're anything like me you're more prone to look for the blessings of what He gives and often miss the greatest blessing we have access to in the salvation He provides.

The greatest gift we have is His Presence!

Quarter-Past Late O'Clock

I've been having this ongoing conversation with God about the areas of my life where I have had difficulty waking up to what is truly reality for me; in other words, areas in which I've been in denial. The conversation lately has generally looked like, "Father, please help me to walk in the reality of who you are in these areas of my life!" I believe His response has been "Keep crying out, keep moving forward, you're moving in the right direction!"

I had this discussion once more with Him this morning and true to His word He delivered within the span of a few hours in a discussion I had with a loved one. 

Sometimes His answers come as soft whispers or barely noticeable impressions; other times as a loud trumpet call. Without going into a whole lot of detail at this time let's just say this morning's call was more akin to tornado warnings, which is fitting in light of the horrific damage done in 3 US states in the course of one night just a week ago!

The basic message was simple, "Your need to wake up is absolutely critical! However you aren't even fully aware of what is at stake if you do not! Here are some reminders of why you should wake up and some practical steps to move in that direction." The overall message was exactly what I had asked of God. His timing to respond when He did was impeccable since I was already open to hear what He might say. As reluctant as I was to hear it, I recognized His voice in the midst of this discussion I had just a few hours later!

Was it what I wanted to hear? Nope!

Was it easy to swallow? Nearly impossible!

Was it what I needed to hear to continue to move forward? Absolutely!

One thing I have discovered in the way God works with me particularly in the area of my working with me in my will is that He does not magically tweak my will so that I suddenly and easily choose what He wants of me, rather He meets me in relational ways like good Fathers do confronting me with the truth and providing the ammunition I need to make better choices even when I still don't want to.

One jarring reality I have had to face is that I will never entirely stop wanting to do things my own way but God is gracious to provide the reality-check I need if I am open to to hear it so I am empowered to make the right choice even if when if feels uncomfortable or unnatural.

Getting out of bed after a rough night of sleep is never easy but the reality check of possibly losing one's job does help make that choice possible when you're already a quarter-past late o'clock!

The Snooze Button

When I started this blog it was under a strong and compelling belief that God was wanting to wake His people up from being half-asleep. 

I'm going to be honest. In many ways I fell back asleep just like I do when I hit the snooze button. I'm a pro-snoozer by the way! After much pain and heartache which resulted from the spiritual stupor I've been in, I am being stirred awake once more.

My friends the time to wake up is now. That can be hard to do especially if you're asleep and don't fully realize it.

Cry out to God even if from your "dream-state" just as I have also been doing. Cry out for His help to wake you up!

Can't you feel it and see it? Millions are asleep and dead to His reality, oblivious to humanity's great enemy, and blinded to the great delusion that is overwhelming the masses. Just because someone made a science fiction movie about it doesn't mean it has no basis in reality.

Revelation 3:2 (New Living Translation)

Wake up! Strengthen what little remains, for even what is left is almost dead. I find that your actions do not meet the requirements of my God.

Grace To Be

Holiness comes by grace through faith in the finished work of Jesus on the cross.

Grace provides forgiveness and cleansing from sin. Grace also provides power to walk in holiness which is not based in fulfilling the letter of the law but through love by the empowerment and inspiration of the Holy Spirit in response to the love of God. When I love I am living from the identity of who I really am. God says, “Be holy as I am holy.” Walking in holiness is about resting in a state of being. Jesus has already made me holy!

There is grace for the journey, for the mistakes, for the growing. Only I must not give up on the process of grace. I must not close my heart to that which God desires to give me. I must not persist in unbelief lest I miss out on the full inheritance of that which God desires for me to have—which is full unhindered fellowship with God and His children.

The outcome of faith is the evidence of that which is hoped for and has yet been experienced. Patience, endurance, hope which comes by faith will carry me through until I have taken hold of that for which Christ has taken hold of me.

I know that faith is not just a trick of the mind, for I have already experienced God's interaction with me in so many ways that should remove all doubt—though doubt persists! Though I have not experienced His empowering sustaining grace as of yet should in no way deter me from staking my life on it now!

I should not allow defeat, past repeated failures and associated shame, fear or despair to cause me to believe that I have somehow missed the grace boat. For I am not one who shrinks back from the mercy and grace of God! Though I have failed to fully apprehend its effective power in my life, I have never refused it.

I choose to accept the hardship and trials I have experienced thus far as the training ground ordained by a loving Father who intends for me to succeed and not fail no matter how long or difficult the journey into full surrender and holiness may be!

(Reflections from Hebrews 10-12)

Pearl of Great Price

I’ve come to believe that in the core of who I am, the ‘me’ that God originally made is still incredibly special and wonderful. I am fearfully and wonderfully made says the Psalmist—despite the fact that I have fallen short of God’s glory, His original plan for my life. God’s original intent was for me to be incredibly special and unique AND attached to God. Somewhere along the line that attachment was severed and my specialness lost its luster. So much so that there is nothing I can do on my own to fix the problem or work my way back into relationship with God. 

Thus enters Jesus, God’s uniquely begotten Son.

What Jesus has done for me and is continually doing is restoring me to the original ‘me’ that God intended which in essence actually becomes a ‘we’ as my spirit has become one with His Spirit.

I may not deserve His love, but I am worth it! God has and will always value each of us individually. 

How much value do we possess?

Let’s put it this way—if you were to lose something that was precious to you, we would know how much value it has based on how much you would be willing to pay to get it back!

How much was God willing to pay for you?

Freedom

Our greatest loss as Christians will not be the loss of religious freedom. The truth is nobody can take away your freedom to worship.

Nobody!

Rather our greatest loss will be that we would come to believe that such a loss is even possible and so surrender our freedom.

Resist capitulating to status quo, human laws and godless reasoning. Our Christian brothers and sisters are persecuted and slaughtered every day for their submission and love of Yeshua. We can be assured they're experiencing more freedom than those of us who barely face persecution.

Submit to God, know the truth and be truly free.

________________

Scriptures to Pray About

So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed him, "If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."

John 8:31-32

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery...

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.

Galatians 5:1 -AND- 5:22-25

Averted Calamity

"And God relented from the calamity that He said He would do... "

Exodus 32:14, Jonah 3:10, Jeremiah 18:8

Such an intriguing phrase that was repeated enough throughout Biblical history that may in fact imply a Divine habit!

Peter said God is not willing that any perish (eternally) but that all should come to repentance. Jesus reminded us that God desires mercy not sacrifice. Jesus challenged us to go and learn what this means and said He came to save not the righteous but sinners.

I would imagine the best way to go and learn the meaning of this phrase would be for me to go and make a habit of showing mercy rather than insisting on getting what is justly owed to me.

I think there is still so much I do not fully grasp concerning the ways God's mercy continually overrides justice. I'm far less sure that God is as predictable as I had once thought in favor of scandalous grace.

May I be just as unpredictably scandalous.

Divine Memo

There are some in our world who have missed the Divine memo concerning God's love and forgiveness through our Savior Jesus. They are stuck on an old track of fear, judgment and wrath not reaIizing they themselves may be judged by their own merciless standard one day. I do not blame them. In fact, I feel sorry for them that they do not comprehend love, joy and peace.

My prayer is that God will grant me supernatural courage, peace and love that I may bless these ones in His name should such a one come knocking on my door, with their sacred text or even a weapon in hand!

Be merciful that your Father in Heaven may be merciful to you. Pray for your enemies and bless them. Bless and do not curse them.