Take Me to the Father

 If there's one thing that I have begun to understand it's this -

Jesus is wonderful and we most definitely should want to be his friend and Jesus says he is the only way to the Father. It is only in and through Jesus that we are saved. Here is something interesting though that Jesus said about the Father--that is God, the Father of the Universe:

John 16:25-28  [New Living Translation]

25 “I have spoken of these matters in figures of speech, but soon I will stop speaking figuratively and will tell you plainly all about the Father. 26 Then you will ask in my name. I’m not saying I will ask the Father on your behalf, 27 for the Father himself loves you dearly because you love me and believe that I came from God.[a] 28 Yes, I came from the Father into the world, and now I will leave the world and return to the Father.”

 My take-home from this is that Jesus' very center is the Father and it is a relationship with God, our Father we should desire also. Jesus is also saying that the Father loves us dearly when we accept Jesus, the Son. It can be easy to pray continually to Jesus which is fine. But Jesus is indicating that all of what he has accomplished is to bring us to the Father!

Have you asked Jesus to take you to the Father? I don't just mean when you die. I mean presently in this life. Have you come to know the Father? Have you allowed the Father into your life to know you?

Jesus is gracious enough to lead you straight to the Father, if you'll let him.

THE FATHER [Live Acoustic Video] | Vineyard Worship feat. Samuel Lane 

 

 

Flight Connections

So perhaps not surprisingly since I was writing a post about planes and dreams yesterday, I had another vivid dream last night about air travel. Except I don't typically have dreams that I remember. Now keep in mind. I don't take every dream seriously, but I do believe there is Biblical precedent to ask God about our dreams and some dreams just seem to stick with me.

Another freebie: Like I said in yesterday's post. Almost any situation is an opportunity to dialogue with God. Hopefully, if the devil himself visited you whether you realized it or not, you would be wise enough to ask God once again like you would for any situation, "What do you want me to know about that?" The answers God brings should line up with Scripture and will also generally bring conviction in your life to address some issue that He as your Father would want you to know about. 

I digress.

In this dream I was back in college of some sort and I it was the end of the semester and we were making preparations to leave. Oddly, I was also in an eastern country like Turkey or something. I was delaying in my packing and preparations and suddenly I realized I was late to leave for the airport! In a very stressed flurry I was packing and clearing out in hurried and unorganized fashion. I was trying to get to the airport and realizing I was already within the 2 hour departure window and I hadn't even arrived yet. By the time I arrived it seemed that I was already late to check-in but still had several transfers to make before I arrived at my terminal. In the dream, I was stressed, angry and blaming everyone around me for what was actually my mistake in poor planning. And before I knew what the outcome was I had woken up!

As I awoke I felt that there was significance to this dream. As I got up and took Blaze for a walk this uneasy feeling would not leave me. In fact I felt God was already talking to me before I had a chance to ask Him about it. But I asked anyway. "God, what do you want me to know about that dream?"

I'm dead serious about what He brought to mind,

You are embarking on the biggest adventure of your life but don't allow the distractions of this world  prevent you from missing your opportunity and launching!

That to me was very poignant because that is a part of the struggle in my journey. I'm caught up in things of a temporal and earthly nature. Just yesterday, as if to confirm the message I was about to receive, a friend texted me and said I should read Colossians 3. I read that last night.

And I leave that with you to ponder and pray into as well -

Colossians 3:1-11 New Living Translation

3 Since you have been raised to new life with Christ, set your sights on the realities of heaven, where Christ sits in the place of honor at God’s right hand. 2 Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth. 3 For you died to this life, and your real life is hidden with Christ in God. 4 And when Christ, who is your[a] life, is revealed to the whole world, you will share in all his glory.

5 So put to death the sinful, earthly things lurking within you. Have nothing to do with sexual immorality, impurity, lust, and evil desires. Don’t be greedy, for a greedy person is an idolater, worshiping the things of this world. 6 Because of these sins, the anger of God is coming.[b] 7 You used to do these things when your life was still part of this world. 8 But now is the time to get rid of anger, rage, malicious behavior, slander, and dirty language. 9 Don’t lie to each other, for you have stripped off your old sinful nature and all its wicked deeds. 10 Put on your new nature, and be renewed as you learn to know your Creator and become like him. 11 In this new life, it doesn’t matter if you are a Jew or a Gentile,[c] circumcised or uncircumcised, barbaric, uncivilized,[d] slave, or free. Christ is all that matters, and he lives in all of us.

Colossians 3:1-11 (NLT)

Lucky Charm

Throughout my childhood I wrestled continually with this feeling of being overly responsible for the happenings of those close to me. In adulthood it began to occur to me that perhaps there was something deep down that I believed that left me continually feeling this way.

As I've mentioned before, some very challenging things occurred at my birth. My mother had a stroke which was related to her pregnancy with me. Different people in my life began to have a hunch that perhaps I blamed myself for her stroke. Each time I was asked my response was, "Well, I don't think so. I know I wasn't directly responsible for what happened to her. I had no say in it."

One night I had a very vivid and crazy dream. In the dream I was flying in a huge passenger plane along with everyone I loved and knew. In the dream the plane began falling out of the sky and crashed. I was one only survivor as I sat strapped still in my seat unharmed but with plane wreckage all around me, and then I woke up.

Side note: I've learned along the way that a really great prayer to pray in any situation is, "God, what do you want me to know about that?" That's what I asked Him about the dream since it startled me so much.

Amazingly a clear answer came to my mind right away, Jason, you believe yourself to be a bad luck charm to the people around you. So, yes, in a way you do blame yourself for your mother's stroke. You believe if you had never been born this would have never happened to her. You believe yourself to be a curse!

I was blown away because somehow God was able to move past my defenses and help me realize that this accurately described my inward experience on a regular basis. If something went wrong I naturally began to feel shame and guilt about it as if I could have and should have prevented it from happening. 

This was definitely worth taking note of but what I failed to apprehend at the time was that I did not know how to combat this lie. Though I knew it was a lie I still typically operated as if it were true and it played out profoundly awful ways. 

I don't know if you have realized this but if we believe something long enough our life will match what we believe and come to expect. What we believe and expect will cause us to reap experiences that confirm our filtered bias and how we see the world. If I believe, for example, that I am a curse to the people around me, I will come to expect that bad things will happen to them when I'm around, and when bad things do happen from time-to-time it will confirm that same belief and I will naturally feel shame and regret even when I had nothing to do with it! I will also be blind to the good things that happened because I was there!

Several years down the road the time ripened for God to address this with me yet again as I was not apprehending the truth of what He wanted me to know about myself. I was walking when suddenly, very clearly, a thought popped into my head. 

Psst! Jason, you're my lucky charm! Just wanted you to know that. Wherever Jason is good things happen because I'm with you.

That took me by surprise. It was so foreign and not the typical way I think about my relationship with God. But I got the message loud and clear. Another time I woke up one morning and the thought re-occured to me, only louder--if thoughts could be louder. 

That same day I was visiting with a friend and sharing with her what God was showing me. She smiled and said that's funny! Because I was thinking of you this morning and have been meaning to tell you that God wants you to know that wherever Jason is HEALING happens. That was earth shattering for me because that is what the name Jason means: Healer

BOOM!

For old dogs new tricks and patterns of thinking are not always easy to apprehend. It's been a work in progress for me. There's been a lot of interweaving broken thought patterns like this I'm having to unlearn. Interestingly, God has been speaking to me about this once again lately showing me that not only did I believe myself to be a curse to others but that I am cursed also. Cursed to be a curse is the way the lie comes across to my heart. He's been kind enough to show me some of the devastating ways that has played out in my life. God then shared with me the truth about who He's made me to be.

You are blessed to be a blessing. You are an agent of healing and a lucky charm to the people I've placed in your life. I've designed you in such a way that good things come to those around you.

I'm learning now that I can begin to relax and trust God when challenging and painful things happen especially to those I care about. I'm beginning to operate in a new belief that while I may not be able to control the outcome of a situation which is in God's court, I can speak to God on their behalf and know that my prayers will make a difference because I am blessed to be God's son and blessed to be a blessing.

I love that about God. He really does love each of us deeply and uniquely. Perhaps God has encountered you in profound way too! If not, simply ask Him to! God loves to give good gifts to His children. Like Jesus said, "What good father, when his child asks for bread would give him a snake? How much more would your Heavenly Father give you good gifts if you ask Him to?"

May God richly and abundantly bless you in His goodness, grace and love!

Light Around the Corner

 I spent all afternoon writing a blogpost yesterday but was not feeling it.

It was too heady and after more thought when discussing this with a friend of mine I realized a covert effort on my part once again to cover the shame of the imperfections, the not yets , and the unanswered questions presented by the story of my life. Shame has a sneaky way of creeping through the backdoor even in the guise of spirituality and sound doctrine.

I am trying to be intentional here to be transparent with where I actually am as much as possible to demonstrate not so much where I should be but how God meets me right where I'm at. This also makes me available for others whose paths cross with my own.

My hope is that my sharing will not as much answer all the questions but rather plant seeds that those who have an ear to hear may enter into relationship from right where they're at more deeply if so desired. 

Stepping into the light brings hope and freedom to every dark dungeon. It is when we allow the light to shine that the way out of the darkness and the shame become visible.

A Turtle's Race

When did I first know that I was attracted to the same-gender and... is that even really a thing?!

Throughout out my childhood I would say I struggled profoundly with insecurity.  I was born into trauma having a mother who had life-threatening medical complications due to her pregnancy with me. I was in an incubator for a long time and was fed through a tube directly to my stomach until I was one years old. Needless to say this affected me developmentally and it was a miracle I even survived. I have even had flashbacks of being medically treated in the midst of the time and the sheer terror I experienced through it all. I don't say any of this to have a pity party. I have realized, though, the trauma I experienced set the stage for insecurity to be a dominant issue in my life.

As I grew into preadolescence that insecurity bled into my relationship with my parents. Our relationship broke down in the midst of a series of conflicts that occurred between the three of us and the insecurity I felt contributed significantly to those conflicts and the hurt I experienced in the midst.

The insecurity turned to shame and I genuinely believed I was somehow defective. This internalized shame led me down a path of rejecting my own masculine power while simultaneously longing for it in that of other men which ultimately led to infatuation of males who exhibited masculine power in ways I admired. There is more nuance to this but I feel the nitty-gritty is unnecessary for this post.

Words can never fully describe the conflict I felt having grown up the son of evangelical missionaries and having no paradigm to understand the way I felt without experiencing the incredible shame that it inevitably brings. I have never embraced this part of who I am as an acceptable identity yet battle the seduction of it just the same.

I will say the conflict I have experienced is not made easier by people who stand on opposite extremes of the issue. There are the religious fundamentalist types who have nothing but judgment for people who struggle like me. Thankfully my family has not been one of those. There are also those who militantly stand on the side of gay activism who have nothing but judgment for people who struggle like me also, though for different reasons. For them people like me are to be the most pitied at best for being deluded and refusing to accept our natural proclivities.

The conflict is also not made easier by those who believe they have all the answers to fix me. Pardon the play-on-words, but as if the issue were as easy as getting fixed! My own longing for the quick-fix led me down the treacherous path of marrying and subsequently hurting my dear wife whom I still absolutely love and adore regardless of the fact that our marriage ended 4 years later because of the issues I was wrestling with.

So where does that leave me?

Some days I believe I'm trapped in a hole of dark despair and shame. I think I've completely f***ed up my life--pardon the accurately descriptive expletive--and any hope to do good for people and bring glory to the God I imperfectly love.

There are days though when hope rises and I begin to think that I have been made for something more and that even good things can happen in and through the crap that I have endured and in some cases even created! I have friends who do not try to fix me but rather tell me God can use me right where I'm at and that I'm worth fighting for and that this present moment is a great place to enter into the story God has already been writing!

I must admit, I am less inclined to believe that God who is capable will entirely fix me or remove those desires in this life. It would seem He allows the struggle to exist to keep me humble and reliant on Him. I do believe God has a better way to live that is not dictated by or bound to physical desire. God understands and loves me right where I'm at and provides grace to continue to grow in a way that is best for me and provides help in the areas of my weakness. It would seem God has a path for me that doesn't look like the romantic picture perfect fairy tale ending that we often cling to in western culture.

Heaven knows there are many in this world that will never recover the damage they've sustained along their life journey this side of eternity. What if there is another way to talk about redemption which doesn't always look like the before and after of an infomercial? What if redemption for some looks like hope and strength in the midst of the difficulty. Is this not also victory?

Too many suffer shame and rejection even as I have because their life outcome does not look the same as that of someone else. Why even compare the races of that of a tortoise and a hare anyway? Why do we think it a good idea that two very different people's race should be compared and judged let alone placed in competition with one another?!

I believe more easily for you than for myself, whoever and wherever you are on the journey, you are worth fighting for. God understands and cares for you more deeply than you could possibly imagine and is rooting for you however messy the journey may seem.

I am rooting for you too!

The Song That Never Ends

I am a shame-driven perfectionist.

When I fall into the trap of trying to perform my way out of shame it's like the song that never ends.

It goes on and on, my friends.

The song of shame will always seem unfinished. It's addictive and will never satisfy shame's appetite.

The song never asks the question as God does, "Who told you that you were naked?"

The truth is...

God does not see me in my shame but rather as His child. He has clothed me in glorious garments and placed a crown of beauty on my head.

And He is teaching me a new song to sing. 

A song of praise. Praise God once again!  

[see Isaiah 61: 1-7]

War-Torn Letters

"I am probably unlike many Christians you have met... "

That was how I described myself once to a co-worker who began to become suspicious that I was a Christian, one of THOSE Christians. It happened to be that this co-worker was very openly unabashedly gay. He seemed to be looking for some kind of response from me that would incriminate me as the sort of Christian who would judge him for being that way.

I had his attention. "What do you mean?"

"Well, yes, I am a Christian but I am also one who has similar battles as you."

"What do you mean... ?" And then it suddenly dawned on him. "Wait! Are you gay?!!!"

Welp. The cat was out of the closet though in reality I generally have been an open book to those who want to know.  As the conversation continued however I began to prove my point. I really was unlike any Christian (or gay, for that matter) that he had ever met. I explained to him that I very much believed in Jesus but also very much was attracted to certain men. I continued to explain that I believed God had designed us to live differently but that brokenness from living in a sinful world and being broken by sin itself plays out in our sexuality in all kinds of ways. Perhaps at some point I will revisit the incredible discussion that ensued as he invited me to continue to discuss these things more deeply for many hours after we got off work. 

I bring this real-life encounter up because it was this moment that I was brought back to as I have continue to wrestle very deeply with the conundrum of where I find myself in my life. 

I believe God has called me to be a representative of His, sharing love and the wonderful news of redemption that Jesus came to bring. Not only this, I want to! I want people to know some of the amazing things I shared with this young man and to experience the amazing tangible presence of our awesome and loving God just as I have. Lately, I have realized afresh that I am probably gifted to write and to inspire others through various forms of communication. I have even taken some giant leaps of faith toward that end.

At the same time.

I struggle in the broken areas of my life.

In the effort to follow God's path for my life but mainly because I just really fell in love, I married a wonderful woman. I really believed that God led us together. Yet the unresolved broken places of my life tore us apart. I hurt her deeply despite my desire to do the opposite. Over the course of four years I could not find the strength I needed to change to save our marriage even after seeking radical help. This is the greatest failure of my life, and I live with the shoulda-coulda-wouldas that at times plague me.

My brokenness serves, at least in my mind, as a hateful banner in opposition to the message I wanted to proclaim concerning the loving redemptive power of God.  The shaming messages that I am a fraud, hypocrite, failure, not good enough, weak, and irreparable often echo in the darkened and despondent places of my heart. It is absolutely certain that the continual cycle of shame only serves to keep me in continued cycles of defeat as well.

Over the last few days I have been more transparent about this dilemma I've been facing.  Dear friends from my church have encouraged me to push through the lack of inspiration and motivation saying I should write anyway and if I don't know what to write about, then write about that! As touching as their vote of confidence has been, something in me was still holding back. It finally hit me today as I continued to wrestle and pray through the tension I felt with God.

I realized, the only reason I did not want to do that is because I do not want my unresolved brokenness and failure to be included in that redemptive message I wanted to share. Truthfully, I had a particular picture that God's redemption should bring about a very particular outcome to my story before I could share it! 

God challenged me on this. 

Isn't it time you let of go of the ego-centered fairy-tale you think my grace to be and accept my grace for what it is?!  Are you going to withhold the life-changing message of my love from people just because of your own shame and failure? You can be a message of hope in this dark world not only in spite of your brokenness but even through it. My strength is perfected in your weaknesses and failures, both past, continual and future.

What comes to mind is the iconic scene of that of many-a-soldier who writes home to their dearest in the midst of battle. The letters being sent are often written from within the trenches sometimes in the face of impending death. In these letters are the soldier's most heartfelt emotions raw and unedited. The effect of such accounts make indelible marks in the hearts of those who are privileged to read them. That is what I believe God is calling us to. We are to be unedited testaments of His love in our lives--the triumphs, the defeats, but most of all--the love--His love.

So stay tuned, my friends for more. For His sake may we live our lives as war-torn testaments of His redeeming love. And along the way we are blessed by those in the trenches with us who inspire us to carry on! 

May God help me be that for you as well.

Christmas Presence

 Around the Christmas Season you'll find enormous preoccupation on gifts.

Usually this leads to a strong materialistic mindset. We look for gifts of high value and feel an obligation to provide the same to others.

There is a phrase I have heard which is, "The gift I want the most is your presence."  The word presence in this statement actually serves as a pun, a play-on-words. Because a loved one's presence is in fact the greatest present we can offer.

The same could be said to be true of God.

Often when we focus on the gifts God has given us we're looking for something specific and tangible: a filled need, a commodity, a service. We're looking for healing, miracles, blessings, forgiveness, salvation, eternal life.

This profound thought was re-enlivened for me just yesterday realizing His blessings can never be truly appreciated until we understand that His presence cannot be separated from the gifts He gives. When He gives us a gift He is in fact giving us Himself; the One from whom all good gifts flow!

That is the Christmas Story. Jesus was not born first and foremost to change anything. Rather He was born so the the gift of His presence would be made manifest and accessible to each one of us! Emmanuel, which is often quoted in this season, is another title of Jesus and it means "God with Us".

Have you received the present of His presence? If you're anything like me you're more prone to look for the blessings of what He gives and often miss the greatest blessing we have access to in the salvation He provides.

The greatest gift we have is His Presence!

Quarter-Past Late O'Clock

I've been having this ongoing conversation with God about the areas of my life where I have had difficulty waking up to what is truly reality for me; in other words, areas in which I've been in denial. The conversation lately has generally looked like, "Father, please help me to walk in the reality of who you are in these areas of my life!" I believe His response has been "Keep crying out, keep moving forward, you're moving in the right direction!"

I had this discussion once more with Him this morning and true to His word He delivered within the span of a few hours in a discussion I had with a loved one. 

Sometimes His answers come as soft whispers or barely noticeable impressions; other times as a loud trumpet call. Without going into a whole lot of detail at this time let's just say this morning's call was more akin to tornado warnings, which is fitting in light of the horrific damage done in 3 US states in the course of one night just a week ago!

The basic message was simple, "Your need to wake up is absolutely critical! However you aren't even fully aware of what is at stake if you do not! Here are some reminders of why you should wake up and some practical steps to move in that direction." The overall message was exactly what I had asked of God. His timing to respond when He did was impeccable since I was already open to hear what He might say. As reluctant as I was to hear it, I recognized His voice in the midst of this discussion I had just a few hours later!

Was it what I wanted to hear? Nope!

Was it easy to swallow? Nearly impossible!

Was it what I needed to hear to continue to move forward? Absolutely!

One thing I have discovered in the way God works with me particularly in the area of my working with me in my will is that He does not magically tweak my will so that I suddenly and easily choose what He wants of me, rather He meets me in relational ways like good Fathers do confronting me with the truth and providing the ammunition I need to make better choices even when I still don't want to.

One jarring reality I have had to face is that I will never entirely stop wanting to do things my own way but God is gracious to provide the reality-check I need if I am open to to hear it so I am empowered to make the right choice even if when if feels uncomfortable or unnatural.

Getting out of bed after a rough night of sleep is never easy but the reality check of possibly losing one's job does help make that choice possible when you're already a quarter-past late o'clock!

The Snooze Button

When I started this blog it was under a strong and compelling belief that God was wanting to wake His people up from being half-asleep. 

I'm going to be honest. In many ways I fell back asleep just like I do when I hit the snooze button. I'm a pro-snoozer by the way! After much pain and heartache which resulted from the spiritual stupor I've been in, I am being stirred awake once more.

My friends the time to wake up is now. That can be hard to do especially if you're asleep and don't fully realize it.

Cry out to God even if from your "dream-state" just as I have also been doing. Cry out for His help to wake you up!

Can't you feel it and see it? Millions are asleep and dead to His reality, oblivious to humanity's great enemy, and blinded to the great delusion that is overwhelming the masses. Just because someone made a science fiction movie about it doesn't mean it has no basis in reality.

Revelation 3:2 (New Living Translation)

Wake up! Strengthen what little remains, for even what is left is almost dead. I find that your actions do not meet the requirements of my God.