All You Need

A number of years ago I wrote on this topic, but I really felt I should write with fresh insight instead of publishing old dusty thoughts.
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Loneliness.

I have heard it said that loneliness is just as painful as physical pain. It is so painful in fact that as human beings we often will do anything to cope with the pain. Unfortunately, no amount of pain-killers actually addresses the pain.

On a scale of 1-10, how painful is loneliness for you?

What is your pain tolerance for loneliness?

For me, I thought I had managed to make it through life without experiencing loneliness too much, that is until I realized that in fact I had learned to tolerate loneliness through the art of distraction. However, from time to time, the pain comes roaring back like a flood with devastating and overwhelming intensity.

I have also sought to find comfort in God. At times it would seem I had found it. However, if I were to be honest, my experience should have shown me that in fact even my encounters with God provided temporary satisfaction at best.

How we manage desire seems to be a very core issue within spirituality. The most basic desire of course is to be loved.

Some people say the best way to manage desire is to pursue it. Period.

Others pursue desire as long as it doesn't hurt someone else.

Many try to manage it by completely becoming detached from it. Learn to just not care.

Many others try to manage their desires by trying to keep them under rigid control.

I've heard it said on more than one occasion, "We all have a God-shaped vacuum inside us that only God can fill." -or- "All you need is Jesus."

I have tried many of these approaches and frankly to me it seems each approach falls short of addressing the problem. The one I fall back on the most is a combination of trying to find fulfillment in religious experience and when that approach does not work, I throw myself into trying to fill the need myself through pleasure-seeking or by becoming clingy and possessive in my relationships. I swing back and forth like a pendulum from religiosity to pleasure seeking.

In theory the idea that God is all I need seems correct. The Bible teaches: God is love. God is the source of all life. God is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him. God is the giver of every good and perfect gift from above. Based on these statements it is clear that God would be the source of fulfillment, yet practically these statements strike me more as shallow cliches.

But Jesus also said, "Deny yourself, pick up your cross and follow me." To my performance-oriented thinking, that sounds like the Rigid Control approach or maybe even the Detachment From Desire approach.

How to make sense of it all?

Last night was one of those nights where I felt overwhelmed with loneliness. It didn't really make sense since I had spent the whole day with friends. In the midst of the sadness, I cried out to God. I  asked God to fill that void inside me. Strangely, while I was actually very aware of God's presence with me, it did not satisfy that void inside me. I came to a realization that all my efforts to get my needs met did not help, this time not even from God. This was very difficult to process.

Finally, in the morning I felt that God spoke to my heart--

My dear son, sometimes there is no immediate comfort for the pain you feel. What you feel is that longing for that far country that will one day be your home. You know, that longing that CS Lewis wrote about. The truth is no one will find perfect fulfillment this side of eternity. King Solomon said, "Vanity of vanities, all is vanity... a chasing after the wind." He was right. Solomon felt your pain and I feel your pain, too, and believe me I understand. At times, I too suffered this loneliness.

My son, I really am all you need, but your broken heart cannot contain all you need. There are still arrows of the lies of rejection and shame that we also still need to pluck out. People also are unable to give you all the love you seek for they are finite. You must patiently trust me to fill you and sustain you with my grace in the right time. In your weakness my power and love is made perfect in you. You must learn to hold love with a loose grip. "Cast your bread on the waters and it will return to you after many days." Rejoice in the good that comes to your hands and make the choice to trust me to sustain you as you release the good when it is taken away. Love with an open heart and enjoy the gifts of love for as long as they are given to you. There is a time and season for everything.

In this world you will have trials and suffering. You will feel lonely. You will suffer rejection. You will feel needy and clingy. You will be tempted to give in to despair or drown your pain in false comfort. But one day--sooner than you think--I will give you the crown of life because you made me and not immediate gratification your treasure.

Can you hold on to me in the midst of the sadness? Can you keep your heart open to my loving presence in your life? I promise, whether you feel me or not, I will never leave you and I will never let you go. Those who put their trust in me will not be disappointed!

Those Lying Bastards

It's those same pesky demons of self-hatred, shame and insecurity again. Perhaps you're acquainted with them also? I can't figure out why I ever befriended them. Somehow they convinced me that they were there to help me and protect me in times of hurt and pain by "comforting" me with lies and self-pity.
 

"I'm not man enough."

"I'm not worthy, loveable or respectable."

"I'm unprotected."

"Nobody wants to be with me."

"One day I will just find out that I'm hugely mistaken."

"I never get it right."

"I'm on my own and will have to take care of myself."

Like an unwanted guest, when they've taken up residence I find it quite difficult to convince them to leave. At times I'm able to shove them out of the door, but I still hear the echo of their voices in the memory of my heart.

I'm quite tired. I know what's wrong. I've taken steps to challenge these lies with truth, but sometimes old "truth" based on the wounded logic of my past dies hard.

The discouraging thing are the setbacks. Hmm, setbacks just doesn't express the experience with strong enough language. Because what actually happens at times when I have a setback is that it triggers the old messages and those pesky illegitimate messengers seem to come in like a flood bringing their big brothers and uncles and the undertaker with them.

It is still a more common experience than I would like to admit. When the struggle seems so insurmountable it can be easy to give in to despair. The funny thing is I can't. I mean, I've tried to give up but God won't let me. I've experienced too much of God's love and light through Jesus that I've been ruined for giving into despair.

So as someone who stands often in the midst of the storm I offer hope. To those who feel bullied by those demoralizing and destructive lies, please know that you're not alone in the struggle. If life is a war (and the Bible says it is), then consider me your fellow soldier in the battle. 

Though we may be maimed, bruised and beat up, we won't give up! 

Somehow, I just know if we keep holding on to hope that hope will not disappoint us. So if we must struggle a bit longer, why not send some of those lying bastards running in Jesus' name and do all we can stand on the truth of who Jesus says and demonstrates we are.

Paradise--A Painful Memory

Our world is broken. Things are not as they are supposed to be. We can sense that all is not quite right even on our best days. We sense that we have fallen short of something so glorious we only speak of it as if it were a land of make-believe. It would be too painful a thing to admit that Paradise Lost was actually a real event which took place in a real location we could have all boarded a plane and traveled to if such technology had existed. 

For some, it may be easier to delude ourselves that our own private hells are really not so bad. But at some point all of us suffer the crushing reality of our loss as it comes crashing in through the merciless pain of our lives in the form of death, loss and tragedy. It would seem God's original plans have been thwarted. That we lost. That God lost.

That's where I have been stuck for years--perpetual tragedy.

That's not the end of the story.

I'm realizing afresh: Though it may seem God's plans have been thwarted, like a judo master God is able to turn evil on its head. His magnificent goodness, resourcefulness, power, love and wisdom transforms the greatest tragedies in our lives to bring about His plans, healing and redemption in our broken world. He never wastes a hurt and He transforms the ashes of our tragedies into gloriously epic tales of triumph for those who do not lose hope in Him and even for others who for a season do.

Jesus was the prototype for this hell-shattering reality in action. Death brought life. Punishment brought acquittal. Pain brought healing. He did it once and He wants to do it again in each of our lives. If we'll trust Him. But will Jesus find faith on the earth and in me when He comes?

Suffering with Purpose

I love you child. You are so precious to me. The suffering that you experience to break free of the passions of the flesh cannot compare to the glory that will be revealed in you at my coming. You must suffer a little while more but know that I am with you and I'm so proud of your persistence and undying faith in my power to deliver you completely.

I have collected your tears in a bottle and I do not take them for granted. Take heart my little one for I have shed my blood for you and you shall be victorious!

You want to know the secret to enduring suffering without giving into the passions of the flesh? It is found in the hope of glory. For the joy that was set before me I endured it's suffering and its shame. I did not defend my name, I let go of what people would think of me, I let go of my rights to pleasure and comfort all because I knew what was to follow when I would be victorious. I have purchased these things for you, they are already yours yet they are not yet fully manifested in your physical life. Hide in me.

Abide in me, find your strength in me, depend on me, look to me, listen to me, learn from me for my yoke is easy and my burden is light. I aimed to do one thing only, whatever it was that the Father wanted for me to do. I focused on Him and not on the things that I lacked. My gaze was always upward and future focused. Like Paul, forgetting what is behind I pressed on toward the goal.

The finish line is nearly in sight, and I have faith for you that you will not give up before you take hold of that for which I have taken hold of you.

Yes you must suffer a little while in order to take hold of your freedom, but know that I have taken hold of you and I will never let you go. Keep fighting, keep pressing on, don't give up, for your victory is close at hand my valiant little warrior. Your suffering is not in vain. Set your face as flint to take hold of the glory that is already yours. Those who suffer in the flesh have ceased from sin. I have seen your suffering and your faith has been credited to you as righteousness.

A Cup of Ocean

My child, I love you. Thank you so much for continuing to open up your heart and give me a chance to show my love to you.

The darkness is thickening and it has made a formidable attempt to overtake you, but I have heard the cries of your heart. You have felt yourself slipping but I promise you I will never let you go.

It is true what Jesus has said: In this life you will have tribulation but take heart for I have overcome the world. All creation is groaning as in the pains of childbirth for new life to emerge unlike anything you could possibly imagine. Trust me! The suffering you experience now is not worth comparing to the glory that is to be manifested in your life and in the lives of all of those who have adopted me as their Father.

There is no earthly comparison to the riches of the inheritance that is already yours which I have held in safekeeping for you. Even now I have released a deposit into your spirit as my son of that glory—my Spirit. And those who have my spirit are inseparable from me. How then could I ever forsake you? How could I deny my very own? Try retrieving a cup of water after it has been poured out into the ocean. My child, you are lost forever in my love and you are forever ruined as you have discovered who you really are in me.

Remember who you are and the resources you have available to you especially in the face of the coming storm. In this life you will face tribulation, but never forget that I have overcome the world. These things must be for I have called the Evil One to account and he is very angry with me. He would like to disrupt my plans but he will fail. I am unleashing a mighty torrent and I will scatter the forces of the enemy.

And you, my little cup, are an integral part of that torrent. Do not be disappointed for I am your God who shall overtake the Evil One like a flood.

Insomnia

Ever notice how disorienting it feels to be awoken from a deep slumber?

This morning the fire alarm was sounding. I woke up, but I couldn't even find my bearings. I needed to put some clothes on or at least I was pretty sure I needed to wear clothes. Maybe it was important that I matched, or wait... maybe it didn't. It took me a full 4 minutes of wandering in a stupor before I finally realized the alarm was sounding from a different building. I was safe.

Or was I?

It dawned on me later that in the midst of a real fire that my sleep altered brain could have been the death of me. I wonder: How many people have died due to sleep?

Even more disturbing: How many people have died due to being half-awake to the reality that they might be in danger? Almost safe is not always quite safe enough.

Over the last several months I have had the unsettling experience of my sleep being disturbed. I have been waking in the middle of the night with all kinds of unsettling thoughts. Feelings of impending doom, anxiety, and nightmares. I suppose some would say I might have a condition.

They might be right. My own self-diagnosis: Spiritual Insomnia

Spiritual Insomnia (my definition by experience) is characterized by a desire to stay blissfully unaware of anything that challenges that which I have tried to believe based on the feared consequences of believing something else instead. This desire is accompanied by periods of  anxiety, panic, unsettledness, restlessness, thoughts of impending doom. It is the feeling that at any moment the ground I stand on will suddenly vanish. Alternately it is also accompanied by periods of a sense of calm, peace, happiness, confidence and certainty. But all the while, there is still an underlying unsettled feeling that something is lurking around the corner.

I've suffered from this condition for years actually. But in the last several months the periods of unsettledness seemed to increase (especially at night) and so did my denial (especially during the day). I continued to tell myself that I was actually more at peace and more confident about what I believed. And then my house of cards began to crash.

Like a fire alarm I felt like God asked me a question--

"Jason, what is it that you're afraid that I might really be like?"

Seems like a simple enough question. What on earth (or in Heaven) did my heart believe that I had to fear that I was waking up with a sense of impending doom.

I wrote a list of my fears that I realized at some level my heart was still believing about God. As a result I discovered a distorted image of God that I had been trying to relate to which was cruel, sadistic, unpredictable and harsh. I was confused. Haven't I already debunked this distorted image from my heart before? What happened to the God who loves the world so much that He sent His Son to save us? Clearly there was some interference coming through my internal radio that was still distorting the message.

Fear! My heart was still fearfully clinging to the old distortion out of fear of being wrong and being punished.
Yet throughout the struggle I resisted and questioned embracing the distorted image of God which led to the fitful and sleep disturbed nights.

Through this process I have come to a conviction that the distortion really wasn't true. Already it has made a huge difference in my ability to trust God in a new and wonderful way. It has actually strengthened my ability follow Him. This new experience of being spiritually awake now feels much better than the nightmare I was trying to escape while I was asleep. God is not the sadistic, angry tyrant I secretly feared Him to be.

More and more I'm experiencing that God really is more loving, powerful, wise and wonderful than you and I could possibly imagine. I have tasted and experienced His supernatural presence in my life.

I have felt an urgency that God wants us to become certain of Him in these tumultuous times which is why I have started this blog. The alarms are sounding across the globe and they are signaling a brewing storm for those who have eyes and ears to perceive it. People's core beliefs will be challenged. The faith of many will be stretched beyond the breaking point in the face of confusion and disappointment. God wants to break open our boxes of understanding in which we hide our graven images of Him so we can experience that He truly is trustworthy and we can depend on Him no matter what circumstances we face.

read Ephesians 3:14-21