Just Pretend

There is a popular social media video trend I've come across on more than one occasion by different media creators.

The basic gist?

Don't ever publicly reveal your weaknesses or anything that people can use against you.

It's ironic because last I checked transparency actually generates trust. Yes, you can go overboard in overwhelming people with your dirty laundry and that stinks. 😁

That being said we are passing into a new generational culture where transparency is refreshing and welcomed. People are tired of the bullshit, particularly when it comes from people that claim to have answers. Answers and shared experiences are welcomed warmly however when provided with humility and at least the air of transparency.

One of the powerful traits found in the Biblical accounts is the ridiculous transparency about the flaws that key people in the narrative carried--sometimes autobiographical! It's not normal to reveal one's own mistakes and weaknesses but it is powerful in lending credibility to the narrative.

The power to be weak and vulnerable is a trait found even in nature and is used with remarkable skill.

I believe the general population is tired of the games we play in society to show face and act confident and conceal weaknesses.

The reality is there is a context for appropriate environments to be vulnerable. Much depends on your purpose in doing so. Do you want to present yourself as the trustworthy and relatable person you believe yourself to be?

Stop pretending.

Valentine Wishes

Today marks the anniversary of my first unofficial date with my former wife.

It was February 13th that we went out on a Just Friends Valentine's date, since we decided neither of us singles should be alone for Valentine's.  We decided to be practical and go out the night before to avoid the crowds and long waits at the restaurants on Valentine's day. We went to Asheville and had the worst time finding parking and then I was freaking out because we didn't have coins for the parking meter. We were literally freezing our butts off trying to find any establishment that could provide change for the meter. 

We went and had crepes that were very disappointing because they were awfully NOT authentic. We went to a bar and listened to live folk music. We skipped like kids in love down the street holding hands pretending we were in love and laughing ridiculously hard as we skipped. And as we did we didn't realize it at first but we had fallen stupid hard in love.

That was not supposed to happen. I was considerably older AND I was same sex attracted and had no intention on pursuing anything at the time. That's why I agreed to the Just Friends Valentine's date in the first place! So we wouldn't be alone! I brought her chocolate and a Valentine. And to my great surprise she had written sweet little notes on tiny heart shaped cut-outs that literally brought tears to my eyes. So sweet and precious. Still is!

The day we realized we were in love a couple days later a dear friend asked her a question that quite surprised her. She said, "Would you want to have another Valentine's with him?" Her answer, "I want to spend all of them with him!"

I miss her terribly.

I called her today and didn't even realize until after our conversation that it was THIS anniversary. We talk periodically because frankly we still care for each other in spite of the issues that are stirred up between us, my issues not hers.

To speak with her can be painful for the grief of losing her and yet I wouldn't trade the opportunity for anything. I have no way to explain how I feel for her in spite of the conflict of what I've been carrying within me that brought about the demise of our marriage.

I'm so glad I was able to speak with her today and grateful that she is carrying on well.

Happy Valentine's, my dearest.

Love To Laugh

When I was a young boy I have very fond memories spending my mornings and afternoons with my mother while dad was a work.

As I mentioned previously, I was born premature and very sickly. On top of that my mother suffered from a massive subdural hematoma which is when blood collects in between the skull and brain. The effects were severe and crippling for her as it created damaging pressure on her brain. That being said she had recovered well enough for me to be left alone with her while dad was at work.

I loved my days with mom. Even at the age of five I was helping her with laundry and picking up things around the house, and when my brother was born I helped my mom change his diapers. Yes, she had another boy in spite of some of the debilitating challenges she was still wrestling with! Actually she eventually gave birth to a second brother as well!

Every morning after breakfast we would watch a whole series of shows on TV. We watched Loony Tunes, I Love Lucy, Little House on the Prairie, Bonanza and others throughout a part of the afternoon at times after my nap, if I wasn't playing instead.

We sat there and laughed our heads off especially at Bugs Bunny and I Love Lucy. Those were what I remember as the good ole days.

As I grew up our relationship became quite strained. By the time I was in middle school our relationship had grown toxic and things happened between me, her, and my dad that were confusing and hurtful. At this point I don't care to point fingers of blame at either of them. We were all going through it.

I'm grateful that I have a decent relationship with them now.

A few things I've learned by experience along that journey:

Anger in itself is not wrong. It is a natural emotion and is a warning sign that we are feeling threatened. Learning to communicate how we feel in a respectful manner is absolutely important for the health of a relationship. For my part, I was not able to do that effectively in my mid-teens but as I began to work through the unresolved anger in my life as an adult I was able to have some heart-to-hearts with both my parents that were clarifying and important, particularly in moving towards reconciliation.

Forgiveness is essential to be able move forward in our lives. Forgiveness is not excusing what happened but in fact coming to the full realization of what the damage was and choosing to let go of that which you think was owed to you. By the way, usually the bigger the offense is the more necessary it is to be honest with yourself about what you were hurt and angry about before you can really let it go.

Forgiveness means letting go of the hurt or the emotional damage. What I mean by this is sometimes a hurt occurs regardless of whether the other party involved intended to harm us or not. It is possible to forgive even a good, accidental or misconstrued action simply because it incurred damage even if the other person was in the right. An example of this is when a vehicle collision occurs through no intentional fault or negligence causing loss to ourselves or a loved one. What we're letting go of is the debt of harm created by that other person. We must acknowledge the hurt we've experienced and then let it go otherwise we remain captive to the debt of harm and loss the other's actions caused us.

Forgiveness is not reconciliation. To no longer require recompense for your injuries does not mean you are to enter back into the same level of trust in the relationship. You can only reconcile to the degree that both parties agree what the injury was and there is willingness AND ABILITY for positive change to occur. This is huge. Even if some recognize the damage done, sometimes for whatever reason change is not always possible given chronic destructive patterns that may exist in a person's life. Also sometimes the offense can be so great that reconciliation may not be possible even if forgiveness is extended.  We are not required to repeatedly put ourselves in harms way and in some cases just being in a toxic person's presence can be traumatizing. Again, forgiveness is not reconciliation.

Boundaries are a great intermediary step that can be implemented when change in a relationship is necessary. Often boundaries are a loving and healthy tool for interacting in relationships where damage has occurred. Boundaries are often needed particularly where full reconciliation and trust in a relationship cannot be restored or when facing repeat offense scenarios.

What has been amazing is how God through a process of healing has been restoring my relationship with my parents. If you knew how bitter and angry particularly toward my mother that I had become you would be shocked to know that I consider her now to be one of my best friends and support in my life. Much of what happened between us was our weaknesses conflicting with one another coupled with some grave misunderstandings. The damage for both of us was very profound but now the restoration is also profoundly sweet as well!

This year I was not able to be with my mom for her birthday. I sent her a card and had a special gift delivered to her. She called me on two separate days when each arrived and we truly had a wonderful talk. At one point I said something funny to her and she was laughing and then I was laughing and then we just couldn't stop. It was glorious and I suddenly remembered how we used to laugh together when I was little boy. The thought of it now makes my eyes leak tears of joy and relief.

Thank you, Jesus!

From Under the Blankets

That's the title that came to mind when I started this post as a continuation of my last post.

And that brings up imagery of what it was like as a youngster feeling afraid of monsters in the dark. What did I do? I ducked under the covers. The covers are used in times like these as a force-field of protection. Inside those covers I believed I was safe from harm and hidden from exposure.

That's what my life feels like at times. 

There are times in my life where I am essentially living in a dream world where imagination and blankets will protect from all harm. I think as humans it is easy to live in this state of being.  Aside from the obvious, that blankets will not protect us from harm, there are other trade-offs even if for a while we DO find safety there. 

Blankets have a way of becoming stifling. Every night my little dog Blaze transfers back and forth from outside the blankets to under them. He will a few times a night come to the opening of the blankets and push his nose into them and awaits for me to lift them up for him to enter. Inevitably, however, once he is presumably too hot and stifled--most likely from my farts--he emerges once again from his cocoon for fresh air. Ducking our heads from life's problems only causes us to feel stifled and unable to breath.

Blankets also create a false sense of security that everything is going to be ok even in the face of potential danger. If our house is on fire, blankets will protect us for a while but if we do not find a way of escape the situation could be deadly.

Blankets create a sense of timeless darkness where we do not realize the wasted hours passing and it blinds us from the life we're missing.

So my challenge to myself today is to face the fears of my imagination and move past it. One of the most effective things I've done when I've been in that state of irrational fear as a child was to leap as far away from my bed and anything lurking under it and reach the light switch as quickly as possible. 

Once I turn on the lights all my fears disappear because I can finally see clearly.

I am going to continue to take that leap from my bed into the darkness toward the Light because it's just insanity to hide from my life in anxiety and fear.

Jesus says, "Wake up! And strengthen what remains and is about to die.  Come to me because I am the light you need to see your way clearly. Whatever troubles you bring to me. I am able to bare your burdens and help you. I am for you and not against you. Let's get to work. It's still daylight! Work while it is still day because when night falls there will be no more opportunity!"

Please know you are loved, my friends. By God and by me.

Who Do You Even Think You Are?

I'm going to be honest. It's really hard to blog when you're struggling and feeling depressed. Did you ever watch that movie The Never Ending Story where Atreyu looses his dear horse Artax and then is trudging through chest-deep mud? Yep, that's what comes to mind.

I really do believe what I have to impart through my writing is important, but often I'm in a place where I'd rather crawl into a hole (or under the blankets in my bed) and curl up and sleep for the next 5 years.

That hardly seems advisable.

So here I am making an attempt to write anyway. 

Why am I depressed you ask?

I think it amounts to shame and fear. I struggle with the shame of not being anywhere close to where I want to be in my own journey and the fear that it will always be that way.

As I'm pondering this it occurs to me that there are other media creators I've come across that don't have their shit together either that really deeply inspire me. Yes sorry, I said shit, but it really is a very descriptive and accurate word for where people often find themselves. 

One of the major themes that inspires me in these people's stories is not that they have everything figured out. It is the beautiful sacrifice of their lives laid bare for others to find hope in their journeys too.

I hope and pray I will continue to find persevering strength and courage to press through my own darkness to bring encouragement to others.

As a reminder to myself to drag myself out of the cesspool of self-pity: 

I am the formerly premature infant that barely survived and was deeply touched by the pain that he and his family experienced. Through my journey I became very sensitive and compassionate toward the needs of others. I am very gifted to provide care for other people, and often do so laying my own inner struggles aside for the sake of being present for others. I wrestle intensely with insecurity and self consciousness about my body and know what it means to feel shame about my body and appearance. I suffer from depression and mood swings and at times crippling anxiety. I have literally watched the hopes and dreams of loved ones (and me) burn to the ground yet still believe in an incredible loving God who is able to rekindle a raging fire from the smallest spark. And I have seen God begin that rekindling process in others lives and at least in some measure my own. Somehow through it all, praise be to God, I have not thrown in the towel on God or my life.

I am that spark. And if you're reading this I would venture to say, so are you!

Would you please believe and hope with me and pray for God to continue to do amazing things in my life and yours? Please don't give up and please share your journeys with me and others around you. 

We are stronger when we choose not to stand alone.

All things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose.

Would you say this with me?

I love God and I am called to fulfill His purposes in my life. All things will work out for my good!

Take Me to the Father

 If there's one thing that I have begun to understand it's this -

Jesus is wonderful and we most definitely should want to be his friend and Jesus says he is the only way to the Father. It is only in and through Jesus that we are saved. Here is something interesting though that Jesus said about the Father--that is God, the Father of the Universe:

John 16:25-28  [New Living Translation]

25 “I have spoken of these matters in figures of speech, but soon I will stop speaking figuratively and will tell you plainly all about the Father. 26 Then you will ask in my name. I’m not saying I will ask the Father on your behalf, 27 for the Father himself loves you dearly because you love me and believe that I came from God.[a] 28 Yes, I came from the Father into the world, and now I will leave the world and return to the Father.”

 My take-home from this is that Jesus' very center is the Father and it is a relationship with God, our Father we should desire also. Jesus is also saying that the Father loves us dearly when we accept Jesus, the Son. It can be easy to pray continually to Jesus which is fine. But Jesus is indicating that all of what he has accomplished is to bring us to the Father!

Have you asked Jesus to take you to the Father? I don't just mean when you die. I mean presently in this life. Have you come to know the Father? Have you allowed the Father into your life to know you?

Jesus is gracious enough to lead you straight to the Father, if you'll let him.

THE FATHER [Live Acoustic Video] | Vineyard Worship feat. Samuel Lane 

 

 

Flight Connections

So perhaps not surprisingly since I was writing a post about planes and dreams yesterday, I had another vivid dream last night about air travel. Except I don't typically have dreams that I remember. Now keep in mind. I don't take every dream seriously, but I do believe there is Biblical precedent to ask God about our dreams and some dreams just seem to stick with me.

Another freebie: Like I said in yesterday's post. Almost any situation is an opportunity to dialogue with God. Hopefully, if the devil himself visited you whether you realized it or not, you would be wise enough to ask God once again like you would for any situation, "What do you want me to know about that?" The answers God brings should line up with Scripture and will also generally bring conviction in your life to address some issue that He as your Father would want you to know about. 

I digress.

In this dream I was back in college of some sort and I it was the end of the semester and we were making preparations to leave. Oddly, I was also in an eastern country like Turkey or something. I was delaying in my packing and preparations and suddenly I realized I was late to leave for the airport! In a very stressed flurry I was packing and clearing out in hurried and unorganized fashion. I was trying to get to the airport and realizing I was already within the 2 hour departure window and I hadn't even arrived yet. By the time I arrived it seemed that I was already late to check-in but still had several transfers to make before I arrived at my terminal. In the dream, I was stressed, angry and blaming everyone around me for what was actually my mistake in poor planning. And before I knew what the outcome was I had woken up!

As I awoke I felt that there was significance to this dream. As I got up and took Blaze for a walk this uneasy feeling would not leave me. In fact I felt God was already talking to me before I had a chance to ask Him about it. But I asked anyway. "God, what do you want me to know about that dream?"

I'm dead serious about what He brought to mind,

You are embarking on the biggest adventure of your life but don't allow the distractions of this world  prevent you from missing your opportunity and launching!

That to me was very poignant because that is a part of the struggle in my journey. I'm caught up in things of a temporal and earthly nature. Just yesterday, as if to confirm the message I was about to receive, a friend texted me and said I should read Colossians 3. I read that last night.

And I leave that with you to ponder and pray into as well -

Colossians 3:1-11 New Living Translation

3 Since you have been raised to new life with Christ, set your sights on the realities of heaven, where Christ sits in the place of honor at God’s right hand. 2 Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth. 3 For you died to this life, and your real life is hidden with Christ in God. 4 And when Christ, who is your[a] life, is revealed to the whole world, you will share in all his glory.

5 So put to death the sinful, earthly things lurking within you. Have nothing to do with sexual immorality, impurity, lust, and evil desires. Don’t be greedy, for a greedy person is an idolater, worshiping the things of this world. 6 Because of these sins, the anger of God is coming.[b] 7 You used to do these things when your life was still part of this world. 8 But now is the time to get rid of anger, rage, malicious behavior, slander, and dirty language. 9 Don’t lie to each other, for you have stripped off your old sinful nature and all its wicked deeds. 10 Put on your new nature, and be renewed as you learn to know your Creator and become like him. 11 In this new life, it doesn’t matter if you are a Jew or a Gentile,[c] circumcised or uncircumcised, barbaric, uncivilized,[d] slave, or free. Christ is all that matters, and he lives in all of us.

Colossians 3:1-11 (NLT)

Lucky Charm

Throughout my childhood I wrestled continually with this feeling of being overly responsible for the happenings of those close to me. In adulthood it began to occur to me that perhaps there was something deep down that I believed that left me continually feeling this way.

As I've mentioned before, some very challenging things occurred at my birth. My mother had a stroke which was related to her pregnancy with me. Different people in my life began to have a hunch that perhaps I blamed myself for her stroke. Each time I was asked my response was, "Well, I don't think so. I know I wasn't directly responsible for what happened to her. I had no say in it."

One night I had a very vivid and crazy dream. In the dream I was flying in a huge passenger plane along with everyone I loved and knew. In the dream the plane began falling out of the sky and crashed. I was one only survivor as I sat strapped still in my seat unharmed but with plane wreckage all around me, and then I woke up.

Side note: I've learned along the way that a really great prayer to pray in any situation is, "God, what do you want me to know about that?" That's what I asked Him about the dream since it startled me so much.

Amazingly a clear answer came to my mind right away, Jason, you believe yourself to be a bad luck charm to the people around you. So, yes, in a way you do blame yourself for your mother's stroke. You believe if you had never been born this would have never happened to her. You believe yourself to be a curse!

I was blown away because somehow God was able to move past my defenses and help me realize that this accurately described my inward experience on a regular basis. If something went wrong I naturally began to feel shame and guilt about it as if I could have and should have prevented it from happening. 

This was definitely worth taking note of but what I failed to apprehend at the time was that I did not know how to combat this lie. Though I knew it was a lie I still typically operated as if it were true and it played out profoundly awful ways. 

I don't know if you have realized this but if we believe something long enough our life will match what we believe and come to expect. What we believe and expect will cause us to reap experiences that confirm our filtered bias and how we see the world. If I believe, for example, that I am a curse to the people around me, I will come to expect that bad things will happen to them when I'm around, and when bad things do happen from time-to-time it will confirm that same belief and I will naturally feel shame and regret even when I had nothing to do with it! I will also be blind to the good things that happened because I was there!

Several years down the road the time ripened for God to address this with me yet again as I was not apprehending the truth of what He wanted me to know about myself. I was walking when suddenly, very clearly, a thought popped into my head. 

Psst! Jason, you're my lucky charm! Just wanted you to know that. Wherever Jason is good things happen because I'm with you.

That took me by surprise. It was so foreign and not the typical way I think about my relationship with God. But I got the message loud and clear. Another time I woke up one morning and the thought re-occured to me, only louder--if thoughts could be louder. 

That same day I was visiting with a friend and sharing with her what God was showing me. She smiled and said that's funny! Because I was thinking of you this morning and have been meaning to tell you that God wants you to know that wherever Jason is HEALING happens. That was earth shattering for me because that is what the name Jason means: Healer

BOOM!

For old dogs new tricks and patterns of thinking are not always easy to apprehend. It's been a work in progress for me. There's been a lot of interweaving broken thought patterns like this I'm having to unlearn. Interestingly, God has been speaking to me about this once again lately showing me that not only did I believe myself to be a curse to others but that I am cursed also. Cursed to be a curse is the way the lie comes across to my heart. He's been kind enough to show me some of the devastating ways that has played out in my life. God then shared with me the truth about who He's made me to be.

You are blessed to be a blessing. You are an agent of healing and a lucky charm to the people I've placed in your life. I've designed you in such a way that good things come to those around you.

I'm learning now that I can begin to relax and trust God when challenging and painful things happen especially to those I care about. I'm beginning to operate in a new belief that while I may not be able to control the outcome of a situation which is in God's court, I can speak to God on their behalf and know that my prayers will make a difference because I am blessed to be God's son and blessed to be a blessing.

I love that about God. He really does love each of us deeply and uniquely. Perhaps God has encountered you in profound way too! If not, simply ask Him to! God loves to give good gifts to His children. Like Jesus said, "What good father, when his child asks for bread would give him a snake? How much more would your Heavenly Father give you good gifts if you ask Him to?"

May God richly and abundantly bless you in His goodness, grace and love!

Light Around the Corner

 I spent all afternoon writing a blogpost yesterday but was not feeling it.

It was too heady and after more thought when discussing this with a friend of mine I realized a covert effort on my part once again to cover the shame of the imperfections, the not yets , and the unanswered questions presented by the story of my life. Shame has a sneaky way of creeping through the backdoor even in the guise of spirituality and sound doctrine.

I am trying to be intentional here to be transparent with where I actually am as much as possible to demonstrate not so much where I should be but how God meets me right where I'm at. This also makes me available for others whose paths cross with my own.

My hope is that my sharing will not as much answer all the questions but rather plant seeds that those who have an ear to hear may enter into relationship from right where they're at more deeply if so desired. 

Stepping into the light brings hope and freedom to every dark dungeon. It is when we allow the light to shine that the way out of the darkness and the shame become visible.

A Turtle's Race

When did I first know that I was attracted to the same-gender and... is that even really a thing?!

Throughout out my childhood I would say I struggled profoundly with insecurity.  I was born into trauma having a mother who had life-threatening medical complications due to her pregnancy with me. I was in an incubator for a long time and was fed through a tube directly to my stomach until I was one years old. Needless to say this affected me developmentally and it was a miracle I even survived. I have even had flashbacks of being medically treated in the midst of the time and the sheer terror I experienced through it all. I don't say any of this to have a pity party. I have realized, though, the trauma I experienced set the stage for insecurity to be a dominant issue in my life.

As I grew into preadolescence that insecurity bled into my relationship with my parents. Our relationship broke down in the midst of a series of conflicts that occurred between the three of us and the insecurity I felt contributed significantly to those conflicts and the hurt I experienced in the midst.

The insecurity turned to shame and I genuinely believed I was somehow defective. This internalized shame led me down a path of rejecting my own masculine power while simultaneously longing for it in that of other men which ultimately led to infatuation of males who exhibited masculine power in ways I admired. There is more nuance to this but I feel the nitty-gritty is unnecessary for this post.

Words can never fully describe the conflict I felt having grown up the son of evangelical missionaries and having no paradigm to understand the way I felt without experiencing the incredible shame that it inevitably brings. I have never embraced this part of who I am as an acceptable identity yet battle the seduction of it just the same.

I will say the conflict I have experienced is not made easier by people who stand on opposite extremes of the issue. There are the religious fundamentalist types who have nothing but judgment for people who struggle like me. Thankfully my family has not been one of those. There are also those who militantly stand on the side of gay activism who have nothing but judgment for people who struggle like me also, though for different reasons. For them people like me are to be the most pitied at best for being deluded and refusing to accept our natural proclivities.

The conflict is also not made easier by those who believe they have all the answers to fix me. Pardon the play-on-words, but as if the issue were as easy as getting fixed! My own longing for the quick-fix led me down the treacherous path of marrying and subsequently hurting my dear wife whom I still absolutely love and adore regardless of the fact that our marriage ended 4 years later because of the issues I was wrestling with.

So where does that leave me?

Some days I believe I'm trapped in a hole of dark despair and shame. I think I've completely f***ed up my life--pardon the accurately descriptive expletive--and any hope to do good for people and bring glory to the God I imperfectly love.

There are days though when hope rises and I begin to think that I have been made for something more and that even good things can happen in and through the crap that I have endured and in some cases even created! I have friends who do not try to fix me but rather tell me God can use me right where I'm at and that I'm worth fighting for and that this present moment is a great place to enter into the story God has already been writing!

I must admit, I am less inclined to believe that God who is capable will entirely fix me or remove those desires in this life. It would seem He allows the struggle to exist to keep me humble and reliant on Him. I do believe God has a better way to live that is not dictated by or bound to physical desire. God understands and loves me right where I'm at and provides grace to continue to grow in a way that is best for me and provides help in the areas of my weakness. It would seem God has a path for me that doesn't look like the romantic picture perfect fairy tale ending that we often cling to in western culture.

Heaven knows there are many in this world that will never recover the damage they've sustained along their life journey this side of eternity. What if there is another way to talk about redemption which doesn't always look like the before and after of an infomercial? What if redemption for some looks like hope and strength in the midst of the difficulty. Is this not also victory?

Too many suffer shame and rejection even as I have because their life outcome does not look the same as that of someone else. Why even compare the races of that of a tortoise and a hare anyway? Why do we think it a good idea that two very different people's race should be compared and judged let alone placed in competition with one another?!

I believe more easily for you than for myself, whoever and wherever you are on the journey, you are worth fighting for. God understands and cares for you more deeply than you could possibly imagine and is rooting for you however messy the journey may seem.

I am rooting for you too!